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Navigating teenhood: How developmental jobs shape teen identities
The first time your teenager decides they know better or more than you, it can leave you feeling taken aback. It feels like they were a baby the other day—now they’re convinced you’re wrong about everything. As surprising and frustrating as this is, it’s healthy behavior. Pushing back on boundaries, exploring new opinions, weighing friends’ opinions over parents, and even taking risks are part of how teenagers tackle key developmental jobs. What are developmental jobs? When your children are young, it’s clear that they’re not adults—from their physical size to how they talk, it’s easier to see them and not expect them to think the way you do as their parent. The distinction between “child” and “adult” can blur as your kids hit their teenage years. Not only are some teens as tall as (or taller than!) adults, but they may also express that they “aren’t a child” anymore. They’re capable of so much more and at times they may sound like an adult. The thing is, adolescence is its own sensitive period of development that is uniquely different from childhood and adulthood. Their brains are primed to respond and weigh information differently than adults. It’s not that they can’t think about the future, it’s that they are biologically primed to weigh those risks differently than adults. During the teen years, this progress is marked by several “developmental jobs.” Different tasks and challenges shape each job, including: Forming an identity. Who are they separate from their parents (or peers) in the world? This can involve exploring different styles of dress, social groups, ways of speaking, music, to their online identity and more. Developing autonomy. As teens explore unique identities, they develop a better sense of how to make decisions for themselves. This journey is essential for their ability to navigate life independently as adults. Building relationships. Adolescence is also the time of exploring new friendships and even romantic connections. As parents, it’s okay to set some boundaries to keep your kids safe—but know that this type of exploration is an expected part of growing up. Setting goals. By high school, many teens are thinking about what the next few years will look like. They’re also setting goals for both the immediate and distant future. Regulating emotions. As your teen takes on different roles—child, sibling, student, teammate, employee—they’ll begin practicing ways to balance stress, responsibility, and new emotions. This process isn’t always smooth sailing, but it’s an important part of development. How do teens tackle these developmental jobs? In the past—and you can think back to your own teen years here—a lot of this developmental work happened offline. We tested new styles, friend groups, jobs, and attitudes at school or popular gathering places for our peers. Today, a typical teen’s focus is still the same: they’re prioritizing friends, exploring new hobbies, and trying out new strategies for coping with difficult situations. Only now, they’re doing a lot of this exploration online. As a result, your teen might be trying to create curated profiles they present to the world. And you may notice that their interests, or the way they present themselves to others, changes rapidly during the teenage years. Even though teens do create plans and goals for their immediate future, long-term planning looks different for a teen and an adult. And it should. How to support your teen’s healthy development The trick to supporting your teen’s development is to provide guidance for safe exploration to occur, while not stifling the process of exploration. It’s a tricky line to walk, but these tips can help. Understand why they’re prioritizing friends. Remember, adolescence is an important period for social communication and relationship building, which means peers (and their opinions) begin to matter a lot more. This is how teens form an identity that’s separate from their parents and crucial to helping them grow into functioning adults. Become familiar with your teens’ favorite apps. Get familiar with your teen's favorite apps. In today's digital age, socializing happens as much online as in person. Just as parents once knew where their kids were physically—like at the mall or movies—it's now essential to know where they are virtually. You might see your teen scrolling on TikTok in their room, but do you really know where they're hanging out online? Whether you read up on their favorite platform or ask them to show you how to set up a profile, understanding their "hangout spots" can ease concerns about cyberbullying and help you set necessary boundaries. Build healthy social media habits together. While online exploration is a big part of today’s teenhood, it’s still important to know when it’s time to log off. By making healthy social media habits a family project, you can be a good digital role model for your teen. Give advice when your teen requests it. Problem-solving and critical thinking are both skills we want to foster throughout development, but it can be difficult to not provide our opinions too quickly before our kids have a chance to figure it out themselves. In my clinical practice, I recommend that parents approach topics of potential concern with their teen with curiosity first. Try to understand their perspective and when it’s safe, give them room to figure it out themselves. This approach can actually make it more likely that they will come to you with advice sometimes. When they ask, they’re more likely to hear and incorporate your input (as opposed to offering it up when you see them doing or wearing something that you think is a mistake). You’re giving them the space they need to test different techniques and work through emotions. Decide where you can grant them more autonomy. As kids grow, we naturally want them to take on more household chores and responsibilities. While it can be rewarding to hand over these tasks, it's often harder to loosen control in other areas, like school or social life. However, this kind of growth outside the home is just as important. Gradually increasing autonomy helps teens develop into independent adults, so it's essential to evaluate where they can take on more decision-making as they get older. As parents, just when you figure out one stage, a new one begins—especially during adolescence. As your teen discovers who they are, we must continually adapt our support through each phase of their development. But remember, you're not alone. There are resources and discussions to help right here onDigitalParenthood.com, with more to come each week. Take a look around, and remember—healthy development takes time, regardless of age.DrJessica5 days agoClinical Director at Aura
My kid wants to be a YouTube content creator
My 12 year old wants to become a YouTube content creator on cooking. As parents, we want to encourage his passions, and we let him start a channel, but now he’s constantly “creating content”. What can I do to fix it while still supporting his passion? I don't want him to stop cooking, but I we can't let him be glued to his phone every other minute!What’s Keeping Me Up: Schools and Screens
The Scoop: In just over a year, more than a dozen states—including Louisiana, Indiana, and Florida—have implemented rules to limit student cell phone use during school hours. Now, California has joined the ranks. Schools in the state have two years to start banning or restricting phone use during the day, all in response to growing concerns about social media’s impact on kids’ mental health. And it’s not just happening in the U.S. Parents around the world are grappling with the same question: “How do we raise the connection generation?” The Big Picture: While some parents and lawmakers view this as a significant win, others argue that in an age of school shootings and emergencies, it’s essential for kids to have their phones on hand. That’s understandable. Some educators also believe that smartphones can play a key role in learning. My Advice: Think of it like hygiene—screen hygiene. Just as teens develop habits or routines for homework and showering through a process of discovery, they need a balance of autonomy and boundaries to learn responsible tech use. Studies show that excessive screen time, especially on social media, can increase anxiety and depression in kids. Research also indicates that completely eliminating screens can lead to feelings of isolation and hinder social development. That’s why it’s crucial to avoid extremes. What works will vary for each child—my own son, for instance, thrives with good old pencil and paper in the classroom. Implementing phone-free zones in schools will absolutely help kids focus on learning and real-life connections. However, it’s imperative that we also allow them to learn when it’s appropriate to use screens. Life’s challenges extend beyond the classroom, and so does technology.DrScott12 days agoCMO at Aura
What’s Keeping Me Up: Sextortion
The Scoop: Sextortion is a disturbing phenomenon that has escalated in the digital age, impacting countless young lives. It involves coercing individuals, often children, into providing explicit images or engaging in other sexual activities online, and then threatening exposure. Predators prey on the vulnerabilities of young people, using their fears and insecurities to manipulate them into compliance. According to the FBI, reports of financially motivated sextortion involving minors increased at least 20% from October 2022 to March 2023. The Big Picture: It’s not always a creepy online stranger upfront—often, these predators pose as friendly peers who just want to chat. As both a clinician and a father, the growing prevalence of this form of exploitation deeply troubles me. The science behind sextortion reveals a complex interplay of psychological manipulation and digital threats. Studies show that victims often experience severe emotional and psychological distress, which can have lasting effects on their mental health. Unfortunately, there are no foolproof ways to completely avoid becoming a target. Even if a teen refuses to send explicit images, predators can steal photos from social media and create fake explicit content with new technologies, like deepfakes, to use as leverage. My Advice: Have open and frequent conversations with your children about online safety from the moment they start using the internet. This should include age-appropriate discussions about sextortion. It's important to approach these talks without shame or judgment, focusing instead on educating your child about the risks of online interactions and image-sharing. ‘The Talk’ once centered around physical health, consent and relationships. Today, it also encompasses issues related to digital interactions, like sexting, online privacy, and the risks of exploitation and manipulation. Don’t wait to have it. If you or someone you know is being sexually exploited online, report it to the CyberTipline operated by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, or contact them directly at contactgethelp@ncmec.org or 1-800-THE-LOST. For international assistance, use the InHope hotline directory to find your local hotline.DrScott13 days agoHow to Keep Your Kids Safe While Online Gaming with Ron Kerbs 🎥
Kids spend more of their time than ever online gaming, but how can parents alleviate the potential dangers that come with it? In this week’s episode of the Digital Parenthood Digest, Kidas CEO and FounderRon Kerbs tells you how to keep your kids safe while online gaming.jessa19 days agoCommunity Manager
How to prevent cyberbullying: 2024 parental guide
Would you know if your kids are being bullied online? No parent wants to find out their kid is being bullied (online or IRL). But not knowing can be even worse. That was the tragic reality for a Florida family whose teen took her own life after being cyberbullied by a group of “friends” who used a group chat to purposefully exclude her, talk behind her back, and reveal her deepest secrets. [*]. As digital devices are becoming more and more common for kids and teens, it’s easier for them to become exposed to cyberbullying at younger ages—and in greater numbers. According to the Cyberbullying Research Center [*]: Over 50% of teens aged 13-17 have been victims of cyberbullying as of 2023. In this guide, we’re going to break down how cyberbullying happens, walk you through some warning signs that may indicate your child is dealing with a cyberbully, and explain how you can help prevent this type of behavior so you can keep your kids and loved ones protected online. What is cyberbullying, and how can you tell if your child is a victim? The simple answer is this: cyberbullying is a type of bullying that happens online and across digital devices. Cyberbullies target victims through text messages, social media platforms, and online games with a variety of malicious tactics like online harassment, harmful rumors, physical threats, and even leaking of private information and photos. According to StopBullying.gov, the effects of cyberbullying (as well as traditional bullying) on victims can surface as behavioral changes, health issues, and academic challenges [*]. The majority of victims report feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and powerlessness—which can lead to low self-esteem, mental health issues, and self-harm [*]. To make matters worse, many young people suffer in silence because they fear retaliation and experience feelings of humiliation and isolation. That’s why it’s so important for parents and guardians to be able to spot the warning signs of cyberbullying as early as possible. Here are some red flags to watch out for: Sudden changes in how often your child uses devices.Many cyberbullying victims either avoid going online or spendeven moretime on online activities, reading comments, or trying to figure out who’s bullying them. Anger, frustration, or anxiety when going online.Keep an eye out for changes in your kid’s online behavior or how they act immediately after being online. Listen and watch for signs of irritation, like slamming down or throwing electronic devices. Deleting social media accounts or opening new ones.Sometimes, bullying forces victims to change the sites and apps they use or even alter how they present themselves online. Victims may close accounts altogether or start new ones with fake names that hide their identity. Spending more time alone than usual.While teens are notorious for locking themselves in their rooms, bullying causes victims to feel isolated and alone. If your child seems more withdrawn and less social than usual, it might be because of bullying. Unexpected mood swings, outbursts, or signs of depression.Again, a common “teen thing,” but sudden mood changes and bouts of depression (or other dips in mental health) could stem from the great pressure bullying can put on victims. Difficulty with sleeping and concentrating.Cyberbullying leads to anxiety and depression, both of which can cause sleep and concentration issues [*]. Health problems.In addition to depression and anxiety, bullying can also lead to stress and lack of appetite. This could have physical effects in the form of stomach aches, nausea, and headaches. Your child may also use health issues as an excuse to get out of going to school and other social events. The bottom line: Cyberbullying can have lasting and damaging effects on your kids. It’s important that you recognize the signs of cyberbullying and step in quickly. How to prevent cyberbullying and protect your kids. Cyberbullying can have a major impact on your child's well-being. Here’s how you can prevent it from happening and limit its effects. 1. Teach them about the “3 R’s” of bullying prevention. Most of the time, cyberbullies rely on the anonymity of online platforms to harass victims without repercussions. When they hide, they can thrive from this freedom and the attention they get from their victims. Your child can neutralize a bully’s self-perceived power by following these three R's of bullying prevention [*]: Recognize:Talk to your child about the difference between actual cyberbullying, “joking around” with friends online, and other common conflicts. Help them understand and identify when someone has stepped over the line and ventured into more serious territory. Respond/Refuse:It's important to respond to bullies and not just stand by or ignore them. Teach your kids not to participate in or condone bullying behavior in any way—whether it’s happening to them, a sibling, or a friend. Report:Make sure your children know how and where to report bullying, beginning with you (parents or guardians) and educators. If needed, reporting can escalate to other school officials or law enforcement. 2. Help your kids update their privacy settings on social media. This may or may not come as a surprise, but nearly half of internet users aged 10-12 already use social media [*]. While these platforms play important roles in the lives of many children, social media also comes with some major privacy risks. By taking a beat, adjusting privacy settings, and laying out usage ground rules, parents can better manage their kids' social media community and interactions. Here’s how to change the privacy settings on some of the most popular social media platforms for kids and teens: TikTok: Make sure to set your child's account to private so that any unknown friend has to request to be approved or denied. You can also restrict content to “followers only.” Enable alldigital well-being featuresto control your child’s screen time, content, etc. Check out the rest of theTikTok parental controls. Instagram: Set your kids’ accounts to private so that only people they approve (with your permission) can view or interact with their content. You can check out all of Instagram's privacy settingshere. Snapchat: Change your children’s settings to private, which will limit who can see their Snaps to only people that your kids know and follow. The same goes for people who can send them Snaps. Make sure you block and report inappropriate content or people who interact with your child. You can also read all of Snapchat’scommunity guidelinesto help you understand the type of content that’s allowed. You can check out all of Snapchat’s privacy settingshere. 3. Make sure your kids are using strong passwords. Strong and complex passwords can stop bullies from accessing and misusing your child's online accounts. Parents should help kids create stronger passwords that avoid information a bully might be able to easily access like birthdays and names. A National Institute of Standards and Technology study found that children tend to share passwords to build friendships and trust [*], so it’s important to make sure your kids understand the necessity of password privacy. Teach them how to build strong passwords.Avoid common go-to’s, like using personal information, common phrases, and single words. Instead, combine words and mix in symbols and numbers to create alternate spellings. Keep an eye out for breaches.Check for password leaks and breaches from time to time. You can even download certain free apps to check your child’s email address to see if any passwords have been revealed. Use a password manager.A password manager can help you keep track of multiple passwords without having to remember them. These apps are also great for monitoring passwords and alerting you of any breaches or leaks. 4. Use Safe Gaming tools to block cyberbullies on gaming platforms. Nearly half of children aged 8-18 play a mobile or console game every day, and average daily play times exceed 1.5 hours [*]. While they’re gaming, kids might run into a few different types of bullying—like persistent trolling, harassment, gameplay sabotaging, and “griefing.” Since you can’t personally monitor your kid’s gaming all the time, here are a few things you can do: Manage security and parental controls within the console.Go into the console setting menus to enable communication and content filters. You can limit game time and ratings, manage friend requests, and restrict online communication. Set up account notifications.Certain online gaming platforms will also send you notifications whenever your child receives a direct message. You might also be able to see in-game messages or block them altogether. Use a digital parental control or Safe Gaming service.Aura's parental controls allow you to set gaming limits and restrictions. Aura’s Safe Gaming feature also monitors voice and text messages from over 200 games on Windows PC, alerting you to any threats or cyberbullying messages sent or received. 5. Monitor and manage your kids’ internet usage. No one expects you to hover over your kid’s shoulder and watch everything they do online. But the only way you can really protect them is if you know when they’re using the internet and what they’re using it for. Here are some “hacks” to consider. “Friend” or follow your kids on social media.This will allow you to get a notification any time they post something new, so you can review posts and discuss them with your child as necessary. Set online and game boundaries.If you think limiting your children's online usage will help keep them safe, think about setting a time limit. Internet browser family controls, like Google's Family Link [*], even let you block certain sites and functionalities. For gaming, try researching games together and choosing one that you're all comfortable with. Get a parental control plan.A parental control plan like Aura helps you monitor your kids' internet usage, block harmful sites and apps, and limit their screen time. Aura even offers additional online safety tools like AV and safe browsing 6. Organize a monthly “social media audit.” With social media usage among young people skyrocketing, the topic of social media safety has risen to the top of the list for many families. According to a Pew Research Center study, 35% of teens say that they're on social media "almost constantly" [*]. While you can't watch your child's every move online, you might consider a regular social media audit. Discuss off-putting content.Go through your kids’ social media activities with them. Look for any posts that might be considered bullying behavior, and remove and report abuses. Watch histories.What your children do on social media can tell you a lot about their lives. Take a look at their online browser history. You can see YouTube history in My Google Activity. You can even order a TikTok history from its settings and privacy screen [*]. Review friend lists and privacy settings.Make sure your children’s privacy settings haven't been changed. You might also go through their friend lists to see who has access to their posted content. Block and report.Show your kids how to use social media's block and report features. Review with them what information is needed to report abusers and how to take note of it properly. 7. Talk to your kids about online privacy. Without online privacy, your kid's internet safety may be in serious danger. Nearly 18% of cyberbullying cases involved a bully pretending to be their victim online [*]. While cyberbullying happens to kids of all ages, it's even worse for adolescents and young adults [*]. Even though apps like Snapchat give the illusion of privacy, kids need to stay vigilant in protecting their information. Here’s how you can help. Practice good cyber hygiene.Talking about cyber hygiene with your kids will help them avoid costly mistakes online. Teach them to update their passwords regularly and make sure they know how to spot scams. You might also want to talk with them about the latest online threats so your family can stay ahead of the curve. Let them know what information they shouldn’t share.Social media posts can be so dangerous because even the most harmless details can be used against you. Cyberbullies use personal information to abuse their victims and misuse their accounts. Teach your kids about the consequences of sharing home addresses, passwords, Social Security numbers (SSNs), and banking information. Disable location sharing.To ensure that onlookers won't know your location, turn off location-sharing permissions on your social media accounts and devices. You should also consider monitoring your children's accounts to ensure that they don't geo-tag their photos or have others share their locations. 8. Monitor the apps and sites that your children use. When it comes to your kids’ internet safety, ignorance is anything but bliss. If you don't know about the apps and sites they use on their cell phones and digital devices, you can't protect them. For example, many of Discord's safety risks come from the platform sliding under the radar of parents and schools. Know what's popular.See what apps and sites your kids are using, then see what risks come with each one. Learn what content moderation and privacy controls are available, and try to find safer alternatives if possible. Stay educated about trends and slang.This is more than just staying “hip.” Certain forms of cyberbullying might look innocent to the uninformed parent. For instance, bullies might use slang terms to camouflage abusive comments. They might also use peer pressure to force victims to take part in dangerous social media trends [*]. 9. Keep an open dialogue. We get it—talking about cyberbullying isn’t easy. Unfortunately, just 11% of bullied teens tell their parents [*]. This means it’s up to you to create a safe space to talk about bullying so that your kids feel comfortable talking to you if they’ve been targeted. Talk early and often.Give kids regular opportunities to talk, and you'll improve the chances of their mentioning cyberbullying if it does happen. Try different strategies.Talk about your own experiences with bullying, or bring up the topic by using a general or second-hand approach. Listen and stay open-minded.Let your kids speak freely and without interruption. Putting up any obstacles might give them a reason to stay silent. Engage with them. Playing with your kids and doing the things they want to do increases your chances of seeing bullying behavior in action. It also helps your child relate to you more easily and creates more opportunities to talk and share. How (and where) to report cyberbullies. If you notice the warning signs of bullying or your child has told you about an incident, you’ll want to act quickly to handle the problem. Before you start the reporting process laid out below, make sure your kids know they did the right thing by talking to a trusted adult. Make sure your kids feel safe, and then take the following steps. Gather your evidence before blocking.While your gut instinct might be to lash out at or block bullies, make sure you don’t give them a chance to cover their tracks. Instead, collect screenshots of conversations, images, videos, and anything else that builds the case for you and your child. Block the bully and report their account to the platform.You can block the bully on each individual social networking site. Platforms like Facebook allow for temporary blocks and profile limitations—these are called "breaks" [*]. Report the bully online.You can report abusive content on some social media sites, includingFacebook,Twitter, andSnapchat. You can also report abuse to your internet service provider if a bully violates the provider’s terms and conditions. Report the bully in person.After that, it's time to report the bully in person at your child's school or the bully's school. You might report the bully to a teacher, a school official, or a school administrator. If necessary, contact your local police.Consider reporting bullying to law enforcement if it involves threats of violence, unlawful invasion of privacy, and/or hate crimes. File a police report and keep records. 8 ways you can keep your entire family safe online. Cyberbullies are among the top threats facing your family online.Bullies use various tactics to taunt their victims and can do serious damage to your child's online experience, health, and reputation. Take the following steps to protect your family online. Use complex passwords and 2FA.Your passwords are the first—and sometimes only—line of defense against hackers and malicious cyberbullies. Make sure everyone in your family uses strong passwords and enables two-factor authentication (2FA) whenever you can. For added security, use a password manager to store your passwords safely. Keep personal information private.Be cautious of sharing too much information online—including on social media profiles. Anything you post online can be found and potentially used against you and your family. Secure your Wi-Fi network.Hackers know how easy it is to hack Wi-Fi networks. Make sure you’ve secured your network by changing the default password and disabling the administrator mode. To be extra cautious, you could even use a virtual private network (VPN) while at home. (And always use a VPN when accessing the internet in public venues such as cafes, malls, hotels, and airports.) Stick to secure websites and games.Official app stores (like Apple, Google, or Steam) ensure that you don’t accidentally download virus-laden software. Ignore strange emails or texts.Scammers and bullies use fake messages to get you to click on links or engage with them. Teach your family members never to click on strange links—and to report these emails instead of responding to them. Back up important data.If you're not careful, hacking and bullying can lead to data loss. Keeping backups ensures that you’ll always have a copy of your data should the worst happen. The bottom line: don’t let cyberbullies win! The effects of cyberbullying don’t just stay online. They have real-world consequences that follow kids wherever they go. This growing threat can happen to anyone, so it’s important that parents know how to spot and stop cyberbullying before it’s too late. Luckily for you (and your kids), you just got the deep dive on Fighting Cyberbullying 101!jessa19 days ago
