Navigating teenhood: How developmental jobs shape teen identities
The first time your teenager decides they know better or more than you, it can leave you feeling taken aback. It feels like they were a baby the other day—now they’re convinced you’re wrong about everything. As surprising and frustrating as this is, it’s healthy behavior. Pushing back on boundaries, exploring new opinions, weighing friends’ opinions over parents, and even taking risks are part of how teenagers tackle key developmental jobs. What are developmental jobs? When your children are young, it’s clear that they’re not adults—from their physical size to how they talk, it’s easier to see them and not expect them to think the way you do as their parent. The distinction between “child” and “adult” can blur as your kids hit their teenage years. Not only are some teens as tall as (or taller than!) adults, but they may also express that they “aren’t a child” anymore. They’re capable of so much more and at times they may sound like an adult. The thing is, adolescence is its own sensitive period of development that is uniquely different from childhood and adulthood. Their brains are primed to respond and weigh information differently than adults. It’s not that they can’t think about the future, it’s that they are biologically primed to weigh those risks differently than adults. During the teen years, this progress is marked by several “developmental jobs.” Different tasks and challenges shape each job, including: Forming an identity. Who are they separate from their parents (or peers) in the world? This can involve exploring different styles of dress, social groups, ways of speaking, music, to their online identity and more. Developing autonomy. As teens explore unique identities, they develop a better sense of how to make decisions for themselves. This journey is essential for their ability to navigate life independently as adults. Building relationships. Adolescence is also the time of exploring new friendships and even romantic connections. As parents, it’s okay to set some boundaries to keep your kids safe—but know that this type of exploration is an expected part of growing up. Setting goals. By high school, many teens are thinking about what the next few years will look like. They’re also setting goals for both the immediate and distant future. Regulating emotions. As your teen takes on different roles—child, sibling, student, teammate, employee—they’ll begin practicing ways to balance stress, responsibility, and new emotions. This process isn’t always smooth sailing, but it’s an important part of development. How do teens tackle these developmental jobs? In the past—and you can think back to your own teen years here—a lot of this developmental work happened offline. We tested new styles, friend groups, jobs, and attitudes at school or popular gathering places for our peers. Today, a typical teen’s focus is still the same: they’re prioritizing friends, exploring new hobbies, and trying out new strategies for coping with difficult situations. Only now, they’re doing a lot of this exploration online. As a result, your teen might be trying to create curated profiles they present to the world. And you may notice that their interests, or the way they present themselves to others, changes rapidly during the teenage years. Even though teens do create plans and goals for their immediate future, long-term planning looks different for a teen and an adult. And it should. How to support your teen’s healthy development The trick to supporting your teen’s development is to provide guidance for safe exploration to occur, while not stifling the process of exploration. It’s a tricky line to walk, but these tips can help. Understand why they’re prioritizing friends. Remember, adolescence is an important period for social communication and relationship building, which means peers (and their opinions) begin to matter a lot more. This is how teens form an identity that’s separate from their parents and crucial to helping them grow into functioning adults. Become familiar with your teens’ favorite apps. Get familiar with your teen's favorite apps. In today's digital age, socializing happens as much online as in person. Just as parents once knew where their kids were physically—like at the mall or movies—it's now essential to know where they are virtually. You might see your teen scrolling on TikTok in their room, but do you really know where they're hanging out online? Whether you read up on their favorite platform or ask them to show you how to set up a profile, understanding their "hangout spots" can ease concerns about cyberbullying and help you set necessary boundaries. Build healthy social media habits together. While online exploration is a big part of today’s teenhood, it’s still important to know when it’s time to log off. By making healthy social media habits a family project, you can be a good digital role model for your teen. Give advice when your teen requests it. Problem-solving and critical thinking are both skills we want to foster throughout development, but it can be difficult to not provide our opinions too quickly before our kids have a chance to figure it out themselves. In my clinical practice, I recommend that parents approach topics of potential concern with their teen with curiosity first. Try to understand their perspective and when it’s safe, give them room to figure it out themselves. This approach can actually make it more likely that they will come to you with advice sometimes. When they ask, they’re more likely to hear and incorporate your input (as opposed to offering it up when you see them doing or wearing something that you think is a mistake). You’re giving them the space they need to test different techniques and work through emotions. Decide where you can grant them more autonomy. As kids grow, we naturally want them to take on more household chores and responsibilities. While it can be rewarding to hand over these tasks, it's often harder to loosen control in other areas, like school or social life. However, this kind of growth outside the home is just as important. Gradually increasing autonomy helps teens develop into independent adults, so it's essential to evaluate where they can take on more decision-making as they get older. As parents, just when you figure out one stage, a new one begins—especially during adolescence. As your teen discovers who they are, we must continually adapt our support through each phase of their development. But remember, you're not alone. There are resources and discussions to help right here onDigitalParenthood.com, with more to come each week. Take a look around, and remember—healthy development takes time, regardless of age.What’s Keeping Me Up: Schools and Screens
The Scoop: In just over a year, more than a dozen states—including Louisiana, Indiana, and Florida—have implemented rules to limit student cell phone use during school hours. Now, California has joined the ranks. Schools in the state have two years to start banning or restricting phone use during the day, all in response to growing concerns about social media’s impact on kids’ mental health. And it’s not just happening in the U.S. Parents around the world are grappling with the same question: “How do we raise the connection generation?” The Big Picture: While some parents and lawmakers view this as a significant win, others argue that in an age of school shootings and emergencies, it’s essential for kids to have their phones on hand. That’s understandable. Some educators also believe that smartphones can play a key role in learning. My Advice: Think of it like hygiene—screen hygiene. Just as teens develop habits or routines for homework and showering through a process of discovery, they need a balance of autonomy and boundaries to learn responsible tech use. Studies show that excessive screen time, especially on social media, can increase anxiety and depression in kids. Research also indicates that completely eliminating screens can lead to feelings of isolation and hinder social development. That’s why it’s crucial to avoid extremes. What works will vary for each child—my own son, for instance, thrives with good old pencil and paper in the classroom. Implementing phone-free zones in schools will absolutely help kids focus on learning and real-life connections. However, it’s imperative that we also allow them to learn when it’s appropriate to use screens. Life’s challenges extend beyond the classroom, and so does technology.What’s Keeping Me Up: Sextortion
The Scoop: Sextortion is a disturbing phenomenon that has escalated in the digital age, impacting countless young lives. It involves coercing individuals, often children, into providing explicit images or engaging in other sexual activities online, and then threatening exposure. Predators prey on the vulnerabilities of young people, using their fears and insecurities to manipulate them into compliance. According to the FBI, reports of financially motivated sextortion involving minors increased at least 20% from October 2022 to March 2023. The Big Picture: It’s not always a creepy online stranger upfront—often, these predators pose as friendly peers who just want to chat. As both a clinician and a father, the growing prevalence of this form of exploitation deeply troubles me. The science behind sextortion reveals a complex interplay of psychological manipulation and digital threats. Studies show that victims often experience severe emotional and psychological distress, which can have lasting effects on their mental health. Unfortunately, there are no foolproof ways to completely avoid becoming a target. Even if a teen refuses to send explicit images, predators can steal photos from social media and create fake explicit content with new technologies, like deepfakes, to use as leverage. My Advice: Have open and frequent conversations with your children about online safety from the moment they start using the internet. This should include age-appropriate discussions about sextortion. It's important to approach these talks without shame or judgment, focusing instead on educating your child about the risks of online interactions and image-sharing. ‘The Talk’ once centered around physical health, consent and relationships. Today, it also encompasses issues related to digital interactions, like sexting, online privacy, and the risks of exploitation and manipulation. Don’t wait to have it. If you or someone you know is being sexually exploited online, report it to the CyberTipline operated by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, or contact them directly at contactgethelp@ncmec.org or 1-800-THE-LOST. For international assistance, use the InHope hotline directory to find your local hotline.How to Keep Your Kids Safe While Online Gaming with Ron Kerbs 🎥
Kids spend more of their time than ever online gaming, but how can parents alleviate the potential dangers that come with it? In this week’s episode of the Digital Parenthood Digest, Kidas CEO and FounderRon Kerbs tells you how to keep your kids safe while online gaming.Join Little Otter for an important conversation on suicidality in young children
Suicide is the second leading cause of death among children aged 10-14 years old, and data shows that even children as young as 5 years old can experience suicidal thoughts and behaviors. To address this hidden crisis, Little Otter’s Co-Founder and Chief Medical & Scientific Officer, Dr. Helen Egger, and MCIU Project Aware’s Dr. Pia Houseal will be sharing key insights from their recent report, "The Hidden Crisis: Suicidality in Children as Young as 5."Family guide: 5 strategies for setting digital media boundaries and guidelines for kids
These technologies can provide cognitive, social, and emotional benefits, such as expanded learning opportunities, global connections, and outlets for self-expression. Research indicates thatscreen media that are intentionally designed to support kids’ development can help them do better in school, learn new skills, and become better readers. And it’s not just about learning — playing video games and other online activities can also help kids build friendships and meaningful connections with others. However, potential risks and negative effects, such as social isolation, overuse, and mental health issues must also be considered and addressed. As kids grow up immersed in digital media, parents and other caregivers play a crucial role in guiding their digital media use and creating a supportive environment for meaningful technology interactions. Here are the Digital Wellness Lab’stop five strategiesto help parents support their kids’ learningto set healthy boundaries and balance online and offline time. 1. Get involved: co-playing and co-viewing. If parents want a real view of how their kids spend their time online, they need to participate actively in their kids’ digital experiences. By engaging in digital media activities alongside kids, parents can help them make better choices about the content they consume and encourage meaningful discussions about themes, messages, and values. One effective strategy is co-viewing and co-playing with kids, which fosters bonding and shared enjoyment while also providing an opportunity for guidance and supervision. Co-playing can also help identify potential risks, such as inappropriate content or interactions, and allow parents to address them promptly and effectively. By sitting with children and picking up a video game controller or scrolling through online videos together, parents can find shared interests, encourage more open communication, and enable their child to be the expert. 2. Model good digital habits. It’s never too early to model healthy, balanced media and technology habits for children. When adults show kids responsible digital behavior, it sets a strong example for them to follow. Parents can help their kids find balance and purpose in their digital lives by being mindful of their own screen use, focusing on meaningful online activities, and being good digital citizens. Openly discussing their digital habits and the reasons behind them can further emphasize the importance of responsible use, ensuring kids understand the benefits of adopting such practices. Besides being digital role models, parents can highlight the importance of offline activities by participating with their kids. Whether it’s getting active, exploring creative pursuits, or simply enjoying quality time together without screens, these activities will show them the value of a balanced lifestyle that includes both digital and real-world experiences. 3. Use creative apps. Purposeful and meaningful digital media activities can help establish supportive habits and boundaries for kids. Parents can ensure their children’s exposure to digital media enriches their learning experience by encouraging them to explore creative apps and websites. Online creative outlets can inspire and nurture kids’ artistic and imaginative abilities. Platforms that support digital art, music, and writing enable young people to explore various forms of self-expression, cultivate their talents, and share their creations with a broader audience. Encouraging children to engage with these creative tools can foster emotional well-being and personal growth and help them develop essential skills like problem-solving, communication, and collaboration. 4. Create opportunities for more mindful screen engagement. Children develop at different rates, and all families have different values and routines. This can make one-size-fits-all rules about screen time and content difficult to determine. However, families can encourage their children to be mindful of what they are doing online and why. Working together to create a sharedFamily Media Planis one way for families to encourage critical thinking about the types of media they want to consume and the devices they want to use. It is an excellent way to ensure that everyone in the household is on the same page regarding digital media use. Families can revise the plan at regular intervals as children become more media literate and families begin to understand more about the positive and negative effects of technology and media for themselves and their children. Once guidelines are agreed upon, it’s important for parents and caregivers to follow them, too. In ourrecent Pulse Survey, just 37% of adolescents reported their parents followed their own technology rules, which can impact how kids feel about the rules (and whether they choose to follow them). Families can also create screen-free zones and set screen-free times to promote balance. Designate areas like bedrooms and dining rooms as spaces where screens are off-limits and identify times, such as mealtime or homework sessions, when screens are to be turned off. This approach encourages family connection, fosters healthy sleep habits, and makes mealtime an opportunity for meaningful conversation. 5. Make time for breaks and offline fun. Encouraging regular breaks from screens and getting kids involved in offline activities is important for their social, emotional, and cognitive development. These breaks help them enjoy a balanced life with digital and real-world experiences. Encourage offline hobbies like reading, drawing, or playing musical instruments. Get kids moving with sports, dancing, or outdoor play—all great for their physical and mental health. Parents should also give kids plenty of opportunities to socialize face-to-face, building essential social skills and strong friendships. By balancing screen time with offline activities, parents can guide their kids to better digital media habits. Moving forward. As technology becomes more integrated into our daily lives, setting digital media boundaries and guidelines for kids is critical. As parents and educators, we are responsible for guiding children’s digital media use and creating a supportive environment that balances digital and IRL (“in real life”) experiences. By implementing strategies like these, parents can help kids develop healthy digital media habits and navigate the digital landscape safely and responsibly. With intentional and purposeful effort, we can all help children have a well-rounded and enriching experience with digital media. We encourage parents to use these strategies to support their children’s healthy digital media habits. We invite parents and caregivers to explore ourFamily Digital Wellness Guide for more resources, tools, and support to help them navigate their kids’ digital media use.How to keep your kids safe on Minecraft
What is Minecraft? Minecraft is a sandbox-adventure video game. The style is called "sandbox" because the sandbox mode provides a creative landscape with no fixed goal and endless possibilities. It immerses kids in creative thinking, geometry, and even a little geology and engineering as they build and explore worlds of imaginative block structures. Its blocky design is rather kid-like, too: Characters' heads are square, colors appear in chunks, and even trees look like they were grown in a Lego lab. Like any playground, Minecraft doesn't come with instructions, and it's relatively simple to pick up and play. You learn the game through exploration, experimentation, watching YouTube videos, and reading other fan-created content (there's a lot of it online). How do you play Minecraft? The first thing you do in the game is create a world and name it. Then you set off exploring it and building as you go. You might pick up some wood from a tree and hone it into a batch of sticks. You can add more wood to the sticks and make a pickax. With the pickax, you can mine some stone to build a house. And so goes the cycle of the game. The story in Minecraft is whatever you want it to be, and you can play it by yourself or with others in multiplayer. What are Minecraft's different modes? Minecraft offers three modes of play: Adventure, Creative, and Survival. Each has four levels of difficulty: Peaceful, Easy, Normal, and Hard. Adventure and Survival modes are similar, but Adventure mode is designed for gamers to play on downloadable game maps created by other players. These modes have you battling hostile creatures, building structures, and continually managing your health stats. While you're exploring, you might encounter characters called hostile mobs, which could be spiders, zombies, and endermen (black creatures with glowing eyes). Creative mode is the best option for novices and younger players: It gives you full access to all the resources in the game so you can build endlessly without worrying about dying or fending off mobs (you'll see them, but they leave you alone). Is Minecraft safe? Minecraft can be played very safely. In single-player Creative mode on the Peaceful setting, for example, there is no interaction with others and no conflict. But eventually, most kids want to play with others, and multiplayer gaming invites some risks. Though Minecraft communities are generally welcoming, and server moderators are responsible for keeping things orderly, kids can get exposed to strong language, bullying, and even hate speech.Minecraft isn't immune from predators, either. And since fans of the game range in age all the way up to adult, the player-created environments can contain bloody (but not gory) battles, sexual scenarios, and other mature content. If you want to allow your kid to play multiplayer while reducing the possibility of exposure to age-inappropriate language, content and interactions, the best way is for them to join a "realm," an invitation-only personal Minecraft server for up to 10 players created by someone they know. Otherwise, create your own server to monitor who gets to play with your kids. You could also find an established server with very good moderators, such as one of thesevetted Minecraft serversorone just for kids. What is the right age to start playing Minecraft? Because of its complexity, potential for mild violence, and online community, we recommend Minecraft for kids age 8 and up. If you have younger kids who want to play but aren't quite ready, you have options. These Minecraft alternatives can occupy them with a very similar style, without some of the tougher stuff. And if you decide to let younger kids play, we suggest playing along with them or keeping their game in a common space where you can supervise. Is Minecraft free to play? Minecraft isn't free. You may see ads for free Minecraft downloads on the internet, but they're scams. The computer versions of Minecraft cost around $30. Console versions vary in price. Minecraft also has in-game purchases for game accessories such as skins (aka clothing), textures (to improve objects' appearance to), and worlds created by other players. You can set up an account in theMinecraft Marketplaceand use Minecoins to buy add-on items. You can alsomanage in-game purchases and spendingfor kids under 16 by setting them up with child accounts. Though these purchases help you personalize your world—and look cool—they don't have the same sought-after demand of items in other games, such as Fortnite, whose exclusive releases add competition and even highlight socioeconomic differences among players. If you just want to test out Minecraft to see whether it's right for your kid, you candownload a free Minecraft trial. Is Minecraft violent? Minecraft can be violent, but it doesn't have to be. Creative mode, for example, has no violence: You'll encounter hostile mobs, but they don't attack. On the higher difficulty levels, you'll need to fend off—and sometimes kill—various scary creatures, including the infamous Ender Dragon. If kids play multiplayer, other players can be aggressive and set traps for your character that you have to fight your way out of. There's a version of the game you can play in "hardcore" mode, which ruthlessly eliminates players who die, instead of allowing them to re-spawn, as on easier levels. But overall, the blocky graphics make the visual experience mild and not at all realistic. Can you do cross-platform play on Minecraft? Yes. All major systems—including PlayStation, Xbox, and Switch—allow for cross-play, so anyone can play with others regardless of their operating system. Can you chat with strangers in Minecraft? If you're playing a multiplayer game, you can text-chat with people you don't know. But you can hide the chat window if you don't want to see messages or interact. To minimize contact with strangers, you can join a server organized by someone you know or set up your own. Players can also play "local" games with people in their homes. Kids can also download a chatting app such as Discord and voice- or video-chat while playing Minecraft. What is a Minecraft mod? A Minecraft mod is something that can be downloaded from the internet to change elements of the game. Mods can include custom skins for your avatar (in-game character), extra resources, and even themes (such as the popular dark theme, which makes it look like you're playing by moonlight). There are millions of mods, but you have to be careful of the sites offering downloads because they can contain malware and viruses. Always make sure your antivirus software is up to date, and only download mods from forums that are well-established (for example, ones where known players and moderators hang out).Microsoft offers modsand mod creators, as doesCNET's Download.com. What is a Minecraft server? A server is a software setup that lets players organize and control multiplayer games. If you're playing multiplayer, you either have to know the name of the server you want to join or get invited by the host. Anyone can set up a server, but it's a little technical—and it's a big responsibility because the host is in charge of the play environment. While some folks set up a server just for friends or a one-game session, there are a lot of dedicated Minecraft servers, some just for kids, families, or other groups. For example,Autcraftis a Minecraft server designed just for kids on the autism spectrum, andFamcraftis a server that's family friendly. The folks behind these established Minecraft servers put a lot of effort into building communities around the worlds they make, and they tailor the game-playing experience for their specific audience. Can my kid play with friends on Minecraft? Yes, it's possible for your kid to play with their friends. It's easier on console versions, because you just need to know your friends' gamertag or player ID to add them to your session. It can be a bit more complicated on PC and mobile systems, because you both have to be on the same server. There are mods and other methods—including manually—to add friends to your dedicated friend lists. Are there predators on Minecraft? There's always the possibility that players can run into predators on some servers, especially if the moderation is lax. It's safest to play on a well-known, established server rather than joining one at random. Minecraft allows you to mute and block players and report them for inappropriate behavior. Review all of the game's settings with your kid if they're playing multiplayer. Why does my kid like watching people play Minecraft on YouTube? Kids like watching people play Minecraft for a variety of reasons: to learn new techniques, enjoy others' skills, keep up with the latest news, and feel like part of a community. But entertainment value is probably the biggest draw: The top Minecraft players have celebrity status in the gaming world, and they can be funny, interesting, and even personable. As long as your kid is watching age-appropriate channels and balancing their screen time with other activities, watching people play video games is just like any spectator sport. Is Minecraft educational? Games like Minecraft that allow for exploration and creativity can be good for learning. They stimulate critical thinking, problem-solving, and systems thinking (learning how things work together). Minecraft's focus on building can reinforce geometry concepts, as it strengthens players' logic skills, creativity, and even collaboration. But the educational value of any piece of media has a lot to do with who's guiding the learning. Try to play together when you can, and ask your child questions about it, such as, "Why did you build that?," "How did you make that?," and "How do you feel when you make a cool structure?" Could my kid get addicted to Minecraft? Since Minecraft doesn't have an end point, it can be incredibly compelling. But even though some kids have areallyhard time tearing themselves away from certain games -- and some say they feel "addicted" to them—that's probably due to other factors such as what's going on in their lives, rather than a true dependency. With all media, it's important to help your kid learn to self-regulate, since you won't always be around to cut them off. Start by having a conversation about all their daily duties and figure out how much game time fits in. Create a calendar, have them set a timer, and reward them for sticking to the time limits. If you've tried this and want more control over their screen time, consider installing a parental-control program that lets you set daily screen limits for different programs.
