Supporting healthy development through communication

The middle and high school years are when adolescents start to seek more independence from their parents and increasingly lean on friends for support and identity development. In my research work, though, I’ve found that parents do still play an incredibly pivotal role during this time—even if it feels like your kids want nothing to do with you. 

Remember that testing boundaries is normal

First, remember that it’s normal and healthy for kids to test our boundaries. When your kids switch from taking what you say as gold to pushing back and insisting they and their friends know better, you’re actually witnessing a big developmental milestone take place. 

As frustrating as it is, this happens because your kids are actively figuring out how they’re different from you, and where they fit within the family and the world. This doesn’t mean you have to let excessive anger or blatant disrespect go unnoticed. But, it’s important to let your kids know that you recognize their autonomy and their desires at the same time you’re putting boundaries in place to keep them safe. 

Think of this like a rollercoaster: when the safety bar comes down over your head, it’s a normal reaction to push against it and make sure it doesn’t budge. You’re the safety bar for your children; they’re meant to push and see how or if it flexes. 

Build a foundation of open communication

It’s normal for kids to make mistakes as they’re growing up and exploring their identity. Mistakes can be healthy if a child has a trusted adult to turn to for support or answers to questions. But if there isn’t anyone playing that role in a teen’s life, then their mistakes can turn into riskier situations. 

This is why it’s so important that parents build a foundation of open, safe communication with their kids early on. This can feel like a struggle, especially if you’re getting one-word answers from your teen. It’s understandable and normal to be upset by that as a parent. 

Remember that your presence does have a long-lasting impact on your kids’ well-being. If you keep letting your kids know that you’re interested in communicating with them—and you approach difficult topics from a point of curiosity, not judgment—you can establish yourself as a safe support for your kids when they need it. 

For example, if you’re concerned about how much time your teen is spending on their phone or the content they’re consuming, it can be a knee-jerk reaction to jump to the worst-case scenario. If you and your child have never spoken about screen time and safety before, your concerns may seem out of the blue or controlling to them.

But if you can approach the conversation from a point of reflection and curiosity, you can create a valuable chance to open up lines of communication even further.

Model the behavior you want to see

Communication isn’t only about words, either. It involves our actions too. I’ve worked with families that have tried their best at verbal communication but still run into issues with getting their kids to put their phones down at dinner. And when they try to reinforce this boundary, the kids become upset because they’re being kept away from their peers and social groups. 

More often than not, part of the issue is that parents have their own devices out and active during the time period that their kids aren’t supposed to. It’s completely understandable—you’re the adult, you have different demands on your time, and you pay for the phone bill! But one of the best ways to encourage your kids to use their devices less, or differently, is to do so yourself at the same time.  

Your communication cheat sheet

• Start early. Have conversations about online safety, app usage, screen time, and appropriate boundaries before your kids have their own phones, game consoles, or social media accounts. This makes the topic easier to broach when you have to bring up a point of concern
• Be predictable. Research shows that when parents maintain a consistent environment, including keeping a healthy level of safety precautions in place, it benefits kids. It’s when children can’t predict what kind of response they’ll get from their parents—their safety net—that tension and friction can flare up. It's normal for them to test your boundaries, and it's healthy for you to keep those boundaries in place.
• Keep talking. No matter how many groans or eye rolls you get when trying to communicate with your kids, it’s important that you keep talking. They may not seem like they’re listening, but in the long run, your advice and actions during a child’s adolescence help to shape how they see the world… and their place in it. 
• Take a beat. If your kids come to you with a question or concern about something that is alarming to you as a parent, it can be helpful to take a step back and say something like "Hey, I need to think this through. My first instinct is to take your phone away, but I don’t want to do that. Let’s discuss it more." By showing that you’re regulating your reactions and listening, they can learn to do the same. 

We’ll talk more about how to have these tricky conversations, and be a good digital role model, in future columns. Until then, keep exploring DigitalParenthood.com for more resources and advice you can use to keep your kids happy and safe—online or off.