The New "Birds & Bees": A Parent’s Guide to AI Sexual Roleplay
Artificial intelligence has quickly become a household fixture, helping our kids with everything from tricky math problems to creative writing. However, parents may be surprised to learn that young people are turning to AI for far more than just schoolwork. A national survey by Common Sense Media found that 33% of young people have used AI chatbots for social interactions, including enacting romantic fantasies or sexual roleplay. If you’ve received a risk alert or discovered romantic messages on your child’s device, it’s natural to feel alarmed. But by understanding this digital landscape, you can transform a scary moment into a powerful opportunity for connection and growth. Why Kids Are Turning to Chatbots It’s helpful to remember that the onset of puberty is a hallmark period for curiosity. It is developmentally typical for children to wonder about the "ins and outs" of sex and identity. A Judgment-Free Zone: Talking about sex can feel awkward or embarrassing. Engaging with an AI feels "socially safer" than turning to an adult, as the bot won't get uncomfortable or disappointed. Low-Stakes Practice: Some youth feel immense pressure to have relationships "figured out." AI provides a way to explore these topics without the risk of real-world rejection or social fallout. The Risks Every Parent Should Know While these apps may be marketed as "virtual friends," they lack the emotional depth and the fundamental need for consent found in human relationships. Distorted Reality: AI can trick children into thinking real intimacy is transactional, creating unrealistic expectations for future partners. Safety Gaps: Despite tech companies increasing security, no safeguard is perfect. AI can still describe non-consensual scenarios or provide medically inaccurate information. Data Privacy: Everything shared with an AI is saved by the company by default. Your child’s private thoughts and personal details are being used to train "Big Tech" models without true privacy. Grooming & Exploitation: Some platforms include community features where adults may use AI-generated "deepfakes" to build trust and exploit minors. Your Action Plan: Partnership, Not Punishment If you discover your child is engaging in AI roleplay, your goal is to maintain open communication. Reacting with anger often drives this behavior underground; instead, aim for a "partnership" approach. Check Your Emotional Temperature Before starting the conversation, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that curiosity is a normal part of growing up. If you stay calm, your child is more likely to keep coming to you when things get complicated. Join Their Digital World Don’t just confiscate the phone immediately. Sit down together and use a script like: "I’m not mad at you. We all explore things growing up, but my main job is to keep you safe. Let's look at how this bot works together." This signals that you are on the same team. Foster AI Literacy Help your child develop "metacognition"—thinking about how they think. Spark their curiosity with questions like, "I wonder where this conversation is being stored?" or "Do you think a real person would ever say that?" This helps them build the critical thinking skills they need to navigate the digital world. Create a Family Tech Agreement Co-create a "living" document that outlines rules for AI and social media use. This should be a shared responsibility: if you expect your child to stay off certain apps, model that behavior by putting your own phone away during dinner. Final Thoughts Curiosity about attraction and identity is a beautiful, normal part of adolescence. You want your child to feel comfortable turning to you for the answers, not an algorithm. By staying non-judgmental and maintaining a dialogue about the dangers of AI intimacy, you are empowering your child to develop healthy, real-world relationship skills. Authors: Anne Claire Grammer, PhD & Lauren A. Lee, PhD Resources and Further Reading for Parents: Common Sense Media Report on AI Companions: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/talk-trust-and-trade-offs-how-and-why-teens-use-ai-companions American Psychological Association Health Advisory on AI Use: https://www.apa.org/topics/artificial-intelligence-machine-learning/health-advisory-ai-adolescent-well-being Children and Screens: https://www.childrenandscreens.org/learn-explore/research/online-sexual-and-explicit-content-a-guide-for-parents/Now What? A Caregiver’s Guide to Navigating Next Steps After a Risk Alert
Receiving a risk alert about your child's risky behaviors can be overwhelming and scary. These initial reactions of fear and confusion are common. It is important to know that you are not alone. Many caregivers feel this way when experiencing uncertainty in these situations, and your concern is a sign of how much you care about your child's wellbeing. How you respond in this moment matters. Your reaction plays an important role in helping your child feel supported and safe. Being prepared ensures that you can get connected with the necessary support for your child’s well-being. The information here should provide you with steps to take if your child is in emotional distress: Understand Your Own Response Before talking to your child, take a moment for yourself. Breathe deeply. Give yourself permission to feel your own emotions without judgment. This is stressful! This isn't to get rid of what you're feeling, but rather to create space to respond with calm and compassion. Being more grounded in the moment, versus reacting from a place of emotion, can help your child feel understood and safe, so that you can help them navigate the issues. Create a Safe Space First, ensure immediate physical safety. If your child is actively exhibiting or threatening harmful behavior and is in immediate danger of harming themselves, stay with them and seek help right away. Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. You can also call or text the Suicide Lifeline (call 988) and Crisis Textline (text 741741), which are available 24/7. It’s essential to remove and safely store any dangerous or potentially harmful items in your home if your child is at risk of harming themselves, including firearms, knives, medications, sharp tools, scissors, and flammable devices. After ensuring physical safety, you can talk to your child in a calm and reassuring tone: Example (if they are calm): "I can see that you are in a lot of pain right now, and I am here for you. We will navigate this together, and I know resources we can use to help us." Example (if they are physically in distress– e.g., crying): " I know this is a lot. I can see these emotions are really strong in your body right now. Let's start by taking a few deep breaths together. I am here to support you." If they are not in immediate crisis, choose a quiet place to talk and reassure them that they are not in trouble. They may be more likely to share about challenges if they know you’re not angry with them. Begin the conversation in a quiet space: Ask them some general questions. It can be helpful to frame this as a statement if your child is likely to respond to a question with "yes" or "no". Example: "I noticed some things going on and wanted to check in with you. Even if it's hard to explain, I'm here. Can you tell me what's been happening? How are you feeling?" Example: "I noticed some things and wanted to check in with you. Even if it's hard to explain, I'm here. Tell me more about what's been going on." Asking what they want from you can help encourage more open communication Example: “Do you want me to just listen or help you problem solve?” Listen & Reassure When your child opens up, it is important to listen. Often, we want to jump in and "fix" things. In this moment, validate their feelings and acknowledge that it sounds hard or that you can tell they are in distress. Reassure them that they are not alone and that you appreciate their openness with you. Sometimes, children have a hard time discussing these feelings. It's also okay if your child only shares a word or two. Reinforce and praise that. You can then use the 24/7 hotline above to help facilitate or navigate the situation if they are not telling you additional information. Other ways to provide support and empathy: Example: " I know this can be hard to talk about. I appreciate you sharing this with me, even though it may be stressful. I want to be there for you." Example: "This can be hard to talk about. I can just sit with you right now, and let me know whenever you are ready to talk. I am here to listen." Additional Steps to Support and Help At Home Continue to foster open communication by building trust, so your child feels safe sharing their emotions. Create a safety plan: collaborate to recognize warning signs and outline steps for managing a crisis. You can use this 988 template (https://988lifeline.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Brown_StanleySafetyPlanTemplate1.pdf). Build a support network: help your child identify people whom they trust and feel ok reaching out to during difficult times. Seeking Professional Help If you are concerned for your child’s immediate safety, contact emergency services: Call the Suicide Lifeline at 988 Text the Crisis Textline at 741741 Call 911 Bring your child to the nearest emergency room If your child is not in immediate danger Contacting a mental health professional or a community mental health center can help get your child connected with key services. Contact your child’s pediatrician for additional guidance and well-being advice. This article was developed in partnership with Zachary Bricken, Aura's medical operations intern. Additional Resources More Information from Other Organizations about Steps, Resources, and Information Suicide Lifeline https://988lifeline.org/help-someone-else/ Crisis Textline: Help for Self-Harm https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/ SAMHSA: Suicide Prevention https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health/suicidal-behavior/prevention American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Suicide Resource Center Child Mind Institute https://childmind.org/topics/suicide-self-harm/How safe is Roblox for kids? – An update to keep you in the know
TL;DR A majority of kids and teens today are using Roblox – an online gaming platform where users can play games, build games, and interact with other users Roblox doesn’t collect identifying information because it was created for kids, but predators can use this anonymity to their advantage The Roblox universe runs on Robux – a currency that can be purchased by adults to entice or bribe kids on the platform Roblox comes with risks, but there are updated safety features you can use, such as restricting direct chat with other users or setting Robux spending limits Read our previous blog about Roblox here What Is Roblox Anyway? Roblox has over 77 million daily active users, 32 million of whom are under age 13 (Bloomberg, 2024). The platform was initially created as a place for kids to be creative and learn how to build their own games online, and now there are millions of games in the universe. Because it was originally made for kids, Roblox collects very little information from users. Many older teens and adults use Roblox now too. Unfortunately, some users leverage anonymity to their advantage posing risks for kids on Roblox. The sheer size of Roblox, number of users, and potential risks may feel overwhelming for parents to navigate, which is why we’re here to help! The good news is, you don't need to be a tech wizard to make Roblox a safer space for your kid or teen. You already have the most important tools – your engagement and curiosity as a parent. This isn't about banning fun or hovering constantly; it's about understanding the environment and using the available tools (both on and off the platform) to guide your child confidently. Think of it as teaching them playground rules, but for the digital age. Decoding Robux: It's Not Monopoly Money If you’re a parent of a kid as young as age 6 and even into their later teen years, chances are you know what Robux are. Many kids and teens ask their parents for Robux for their allowance or as a reward for good behavior. If you’re not familiar, Robux are the virtual currency of the Roblox gaming world. Kids are excited by Robux, or rather what Robux can be used for– Robux can be used to customize avatars by buying clothes and accessories, for in-game experiences like skipping levels or access to VIP games, or even shopping at virtual stores like Walmart and Starbucks. But, Robux isn’t simply “fake money” because it can be purchased and exchanged for real-world money. Free Robux? A Red Flag! Like any other currency, Robux can be stolen or used to gamble and bribe other users. Bloomberg media put out an investigative piece on Roblox where they shared several examples of adults taking advantage of kids on Roblox. Robux were used to entice underage gamers as a grooming tactic in exchange for sexual acts in games, child porn, or inappropriate interactions in real life. Similarly, a report from More Perfect Union interviewing kids who engage in game development on Roblox, revealed instances of financial and child labor exploitation. Curious to know more? You can explore the Bloomberg documentary and the companion article. Updated Roblox Safety Features New Safety Features on Roblox and How You Can Make the Best Use of Them You can now take steps to deploy new safety features. In November 2024, Roblox introduced some new safeguards. Overall, age limits have been put into place for specific content. You, as a parent, can create a Roblox account linked to your child’s, employ monthly spending limits, and use additional safety features to help guide which experiences you are comfortable with your child accessing. How to make the most use of Roblox’s new safety tools Kids are going to use Roblox. Rather than placing harsh limits or banning Roblox altogether, we want to help you keep your child safe, healthy, and happy as they engage online. Here is a quick summary of the new Roblox safety features and how to access them. Limit Chat using Communication Controls: Chats increase the likelihood of your child interacting with strangers or more mature users. Limiting chat features can reduce the chance of risky interactions. You can: Disable experience chat: Select "No one" to set who your child can message with inside experiences. Restrict experience direct chat: Select “No one” to limit who your child can message 1:1 in experiences. Platform Chat, where users can chat with other users outside of experiences, is an exception and cannot be restricted for users over 13 More information on limiting chat features on Roblox can be found here under Communication Controls Keep Robux in check with Spending Controls: You can place monthly spending limits on your child’s account for Robux and other Roblox subscriptions. How to Set Spending Limits - from Roblox Create your own Roblox account and link it to your child’s: Creating your own account allows you to manage your child’s account without needing to login to their account. Linking instructions from Roblox Limits under age 13: Users under 13 now have some limits on Roblox Children under 13 years old can no longer directly message (“Platform Chat”) other users on Roblox outside of games or experiences. This change mitigates some risk of those under 13 interacting with strangers, older teens, or adults who may share inappropriate content on the Roblox platform. Those under age 13 also can’t send direct messages to other users within games, but can send “public broadcasts” within the game. Some experiences are age-gated based on content maturity. Content Maturity Labels: These can help guide your understanding of what content your child may encounter in experiences and games. You can also set maturity controls for your child. Kids under age 9 can only access “Minimal” or “Mild” forms of content Check out the descriptions from Roblox below (https://en.help.roblox.com/hc/en-us/articles/8862768451604-Content-Maturity-Labels) How to set maturity controls - from Roblox Content Maturity Label Description Minimal May contain occasional mild violence, light unrealistic blood, and/or occasional mild fear. Mild May contain repeated mild violence, heavy unrealistic blood, mild crude humor, and/or repeated mild fear. Moderate May contain moderate violence, light realistic blood, moderate crude humor, unplayable gambling content, and/or moderate fear. Restricted May contain strong violence, heavy realistic blood, moderate crude humor, romantic themes, unplayable gambling content, the presence of alcohol, strong language, and/or moderate fear. These experiences are only available to 17+ users who verified their ages by completing ID verification. Use Roblox as an opportunity to connect with your child or teen Be Curious, Not Accusatory: Ask open-ended questions about their Roblox time. "What games did you play today?" "What was the coolest thing you built?" "Did you play with any friends?" "Did anything weird or uncomfortable happen?" Talk About "Stranger Danger" Online: Explain that online "friends" are still strangers. Emphasize never sharing personal information like their real name, school, address, phone number, or passwords. Discuss In-Game Purchases: Help them understand that Robux cost real money. If they use Robux, talk about budgeting and responsible spending. Create a Team Mentality: Frame safety discussions as working together. "Let's figure out how to make Roblox fun and safe for you." Teach Digital Citizenship Skills Although Roblox has made some safety updates, there are still risks with using Roblox, such as cyberbullying and inappropriate content with violent or sexual themes. You can equip your child with the knowledge to handle tricky situations themselves. Blocking and Reporting: Show them how to block users who make them feel uncomfortable and how to report inappropriate behavior or games directly within Roblox. Let them know it's okay – and important – to use these tools. Recognizing Scams: Talk about common scams (like fake "free Robux" offers) and why they shouldn't click suspicious links or give away account information. Taking Breaks: Encourage healthy screen time habits. Set limits for Roblox play, just like you would for screentime generally, TV, or other activities. We want you to feel empowered in your digital parenthood to raise a well-informed digital citizen so that your child is better able to engage in online gaming and interactions more safely with eyes open. This article was created in partnership with Bayley Taple. References https://www.bloomberg.com/features/2024-roblox-pedophile-problem/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6PYj93SGxc https://en.help.roblox.com/hc/en-us/categories/200213830-Parents-Safety-and-ModerationHow online life shapes youth brain development before 25
The entry into adulthood is typically marked by turning 18, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the mind is fully mature. The prefrontal cortex of the brain—responsible for our cognitive control, stress response, and executive function—isn’t all grown up until age 25. This means that childhood and adolescence is a critical time for brain development. Its progress can be hindered, though, by a variety of environmental factors like nutrition, drugs, illness, toxins, and yes, online experiences. How life online influences brain development When we encounter various stimuli in our lives, from a cute baby’s smile to the sting of a bee, various receptors in our brain begin to learn when something is pleasurable vs. painful. Over time, we form strong neural pathways that encourage us to seek out more of what feels good versus what hurts us. However, these pleasure/pain reactions aren’t limited to things we can touch. Digital experiences can have the same type of impact on our brains. Each time our kids pick up their phones or open TikTok, they’re presented with bright colors, noisy notifications, and videos that are curated to their tastes—or intentionally designed to make them feel a specific emotion. I’ll do a deep dive into how this works in a future article, but at a top level, this screen time plays a significant role in building and altering neural pathways by delivering a sense of reward or pleasure. These pathways are responsible for things like attention, memory recall, and emotional regulation. It happens to adults, too. Have you ever caught yourself picking up your phone to check for notifications even when you know you didn’t hear a ping or feel a buzz? That’s your brain seeking a hit of dopamine, the chemical that is released when we experience something pleasurable. Does all screen time impact brain development? Of course, there are many good aspects of our kids having access to the internet, including educational resources, easy communication with loved ones, and exposure to other people and cultures. But extended exposure to blue light from screens (even if it’s from schoolwork!) can make it harder for kids to fall and stay asleep. This lack of sleep can negatively impact the health of kids’ brains and bodies—plus make it harder to pay attention in school. Can internet use hurt kids' brains in the long term? We’re still learning what the long-term effects of the internet may be on developing brains. Right now, we are seeing some negative impacts on older kids and teens' decision-making abilities, attention span, and ability to switch between different tasks (aka cognitive flexibility). And even positive online interactions—like talking with friends and family—may not engage our brains in as many healthy ways as face-to-face chats and activities do. Luckily, though, neural pathways aren’t set in stone. We can strengthen and weaken our neural pathways over time by changing our behavior. If you notice that your child is displaying signs of screen addiction or is struggling to balance family, school, and gaming with friends, it’s not too late to make healthy changes. Support your child's healthy brain development The answer isn’t to ban kids from using all digital devices—they’re essential for school and preparing to work and live in a connected world. It’s essential, though, that kids grow up knowing how to balance their online and offline lives. Doing so will help them create the right skill sets (and neural pathways!) to be a healthy adult. Here are a few tips to make that happen: Create a screen time balance and healthy digital media boundaries for the whole family. Be aware of what your kids are consuming online. Conversation is invaluable, but you can also rely on the assistance of apps that clue you in to possible in-game cyberbullying or excessive screen time. Encourage screen time use for educational content instead of social media and games. When screen time requires school-age kids to use their brain in a variety of ways, versus scrolling, it can support positive cognitive growth. Build offline hobbies and experiences that the whole family can enjoy together. Work on being a good digital role model—a little less screen time and scrolling on social media can help everyone’s brain health, no matter their age. My goal here—and in future brain health articles I’ll publish on DigitalParenthood.com—is to help you feel empowered about supporting your kids’ healthy development in an online world. If you’re worried and have questions, though, you can always visit our Ask an Expert section for more advice, or connect with other parents in our discussion forum.Help uncover how technology impacts youth well-being
As a child psychologist, I’ve spent decades working with families to address the challenges kids face today—especially when it comes to focus, emotional well-being, and healthy screen time habits. These issues have only intensified in our fast-paced, technology-driven world. That’s why I’m excited to invite you to join a groundbreaking study that explores how kids' digital habits are related to their mental health and well-being. This research, sponsored by Aura, will help us get answers to hard questions about how tech use is impacting kids' development and ultimately help us improve the tools we have to help kids and their parents navigate in the digital world. Participants in the study will be asked to use the Aura app and complete questionnaires and surveys. Use of the Aura app as part of the study is free and kids and their parents will be compensated for completing study measures. Take a look at the video below for more information. You can also get info about the study at get.aura.com/techwise By joining the study, you’ll not only contribute to advancing science but also receive practical strategies to help your child thrive emotionally and academically. Together, we can make a difference for families everywhere. Interested? Visit Aura’s website to learn more and sign up. Let’s shape a brighter, healthier future for our children—one step at a time.
What's Keeping Me Up: The Roblox Report🎥
Hey all, Dr. Scott here! The media was abuzz this week with the news of a report released by short-selling investigative firm Hindenburg Research. The report claims that Roblox is a "pedophile hellscape for kids." As the father of two gamers, this concerns me, so I sat down with them to get their thoughts. Hear what we have to say at the video below, and sound off in the comments on what you think of the latest report. Will this change any rules you have with your kids as it relates to time spent on Roblox?
What’s Keeping Me Up: Sextortion
The Scoop: Sextortion is a disturbing phenomenon that has escalated in the digital age, impacting countless young lives. It involves coercing individuals, often children, into providing explicit images or engaging in other sexual activities online, and then threatening exposure. Predators prey on the vulnerabilities of young people, using their fears and insecurities to manipulate them into compliance. According to the FBI, reports of financially motivated sextortion involving minors increased at least 20% from October 2022 to March 2023. The Big Picture: It’s not always a creepy online stranger upfront—often, these predators pose as friendly peers who just want to chat. As both a clinician and a father, the growing prevalence of this form of exploitation deeply troubles me. The science behind sextortion reveals a complex interplay of psychological manipulation and digital threats. Studies show that victims often experience severe emotional and psychological distress, which can have lasting effects on their mental health. Unfortunately, there are no foolproof ways to completely avoid becoming a target. Even if a teen refuses to send explicit images, predators can steal photos from social media and create fake explicit content with new technologies, like deepfakes, to use as leverage. My Advice: Have open and frequent conversations with your children about online safety from the moment they start using the internet. This should include age-appropriate discussions about sextortion. It's important to approach these talks without shame or judgment, focusing instead on educating your child about the risks of online interactions and image-sharing. ‘The Talk’ once centered around physical health, consent and relationships. Today, it also encompasses issues related to digital interactions, like sexting, online privacy, and the risks of exploitation and manipulation. Don’t wait to have it. If you or someone you know is being sexually exploited online, report it to the CyberTipline operated by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, or contact them directly at contactgethelp@ncmec.org or 1-800-THE-LOST. For international assistance, use the InHope hotline directory to find your local hotline.Mental Health Day Report: Understanding the Emotional Toll of Your Child’s Online World
If you ever watch your kids starting another game of Fortnite or doing TikTok dances and feel a sense of worry in your gut, you aren’t alone. Parental concern for the effects of new technology on their kids isn’t new. Our grandparents fretted about our parents ruining their eyes in front of the TV. Today, parents like you and I find ourselves worrying about whether our kids’ tech use is negatively affecting their mental and emotional well-being. How does technology impact kids’ mental health? While there isn't a definitive causal link between ongoing or extended technology use having a negative effect on kids’ mental health, there are lots of studies that showcase reasons to be concerned about possible negative effects. Let me preface the conversation with this: simply spending time on Instagram or playing a video game with friends isn’t going to harm your kids’ mental well-being immediately. But, heavy, continued tech and internet use might have detrimental effects. First off, screen time in itself can impact kids' sleep and mental focus—even if a portion of that time is for school. Researchers recently surveyed a group of teenagers who reported using screens for at least six hours a day. More than half of the teens reported poor sleep, and many struggled with daytime sleepiness, fatigue, and trouble concentrating. This doesn't surprise me. It's known that blue light emitted by digital screens can impact how well we sleep, especially if we use those devices close to bedtime. And the content that our kids consume online can also be keeping them up at night or creating distractions during the day. The Cyberbullying Research Institute reports that 55% of students between the ages of 13 and 17 experience cyberbullying at some point. This can range from hurtful comments on social media to exclusion from group chats and being publicly embarrassed online. And even if your kids aren't being actively cyberbullied, they may still be feeling an emotional toll from the content they see in their online worlds. In 2023, the University of Utah reported that young adults who use social media are three times more likely to experience depression than those who don’t log on. The suicide rate has increased among 15- to 24-year-olds, too. We don't yet know what the long-term impacts of all-day tech use and cyberbullying will be, just as we're still figuring out what the lasting effects of COVID-19 may be. The landscape of our online and offline worlds has changed dramatically since 2020, and internet use has increased considerably—by as much as 100% right after the pandemic started. And yes, there are some benefits to the way we use tech today, including creating new ways for our kids to explore their identities and independence. But as parents, it's important that we keep an eye out for signals that our child is experiencing stress, online ostracization, or simply not sleeping well—whether the cause is blue light exposure or cyberbullying. Assessing the impact of technology on your child The mental and emotional impact that tech has on your own child can vary wildly, but these are all signals that something may be amiss: Loss of interest in offline activities Increased irritability Withdrawal from family and friends when offline Unexpected mood swings Trouble sleeping Lethargy and fatigue during the day New difficulty focusing on one task at a time Again, every child is different—there may be other, non tech-related reasons for your kids' trouble focusing or poor sleep. And it's normal for teens to go through mood and energy swings as they age. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is look for changes in your child's baseline. Nobody knows your kids better than you do. If you notice any marked change in your child's mood, behavior, or interests, it's a signal for you to dig deeper. What to do if technology is negatively affecting your child If you suspect that recent changes in your child's behavior are the result of their tech use, it may be time to make some changes. Talking to your kids about their online experiences is the best way to figure out what's going on, but I know many parents that find it tricky to bring up the topic in a way that encourages their kids to open up. When this comes up in my practice, I recommend that parents: Check out the American Academy of Pediatrics Center of Excellence on Social Media and Youth Mental Health for a library of conversation starters. Whether your kids are in elementary school or thinking about college, there are simple ways to start discussing what they're experiencing online and how it's making them feel. Dig into guides on social media and cyberbullying to better understand if your child is spending too much time online or being targeted in harmful ways. Learn about the parental controls available on your kids’ devices and favorite social media apps. Knowing how to block inappropriate content and prevent cyberbullying can help everyone feel better. Get help from other parents and professionals (including myself!) here on the DigitalParenthood.com discussion forum and Ask an Expert page. And finally, remember that autonomy is an important part of the teenage years. As your kids age, it’s important to keep the focus on education and creating healthy habits together—not complete control over their online activities. By starting regular conversations about tech use before there's a problem, you can create a safe space for your kids to talk about what might be inspiring, scaring, or stressing them out online. You don’t have to navigate figuring out this balance all by yourself, either. I’ll be posting regularly here to talk about what’s on my mind (and probably yours, too) and discuss ways that we can all work to keep our kids safer online together.What’s Keeping Me Up: Schools and Screens
The Scoop: In just over a year, more than a dozen states—including Louisiana, Indiana, and Florida—have implemented rules to limit student cell phone use during school hours. Now, California has joined the ranks. Schools in the state have two years to start banning or restricting phone use during the day, all in response to growing concerns about social media’s impact on kids’ mental health. And it’s not just happening in the U.S. Parents around the world are grappling with the same question: “How do we raise the connection generation?” The Big Picture: While some parents and lawmakers view this as a significant win, others argue that in an age of school shootings and emergencies, it’s essential for kids to have their phones on hand. That’s understandable. Some educators also believe that smartphones can play a key role in learning. My Advice: Think of it like hygiene—screen hygiene. Just as teens develop habits or routines for homework and showering through a process of discovery, they need a balance of autonomy and boundaries to learn responsible tech use. Studies show that excessive screen time, especially on social media, can increase anxiety and depression in kids. Research also indicates that completely eliminating screens can lead to feelings of isolation and hinder social development. That’s why it’s crucial to avoid extremes. What works will vary for each child—my own son, for instance, thrives with good old pencil and paper in the classroom. Implementing phone-free zones in schools will absolutely help kids focus on learning and real-life connections. However, it’s imperative that we also allow them to learn when it’s appropriate to use screens. Life’s challenges extend beyond the classroom, and so does technology.Supporting healthy development through communication
The middle and high school years are when adolescents start to seek more independence from their parents and increasingly lean on friends for support and identity development. In my research work, though, I’ve found that parents do still play an incredibly pivotal role during this time—even if it feels like your kids want nothing to do with you. Remember that testing boundaries is normal First, remember that it’s normal and healthy for kids to test our boundaries. When your kids switch from taking what you say as gold to pushing back and insisting they and their friends know better, you’re actually witnessing a big developmental milestone take place. As frustrating as it is, this happens because your kids are actively figuring out how they’re different from you, and where they fit within the family and the world. This doesn’t mean you have to let excessive anger or blatant disrespect go unnoticed. But, it’s important to let your kids know that you recognize their autonomy and their desires at the same time you’re putting boundaries in place to keep them safe. Think of this like a rollercoaster: when the safety bar comes down over your head, it’s a normal reaction to push against it and make sure it doesn’t budge. You’re the safety bar for your children; they’re meant to push and see how or if it flexes. Build a foundation of open communication It’s normal for kids to make mistakes as they’re growing up and exploring their identity. Mistakes can be healthy if a child has a trusted adult to turn to for support or answers to questions. But if there isn’t anyone playing that role in a teen’s life, then their mistakes can turn into riskier situations. This is why it’s so important that parents build a foundation of open, safe communication with their kids early on. This can feel like a struggle, especially if you’re getting one-word answers from your teen. It’s understandable and normal to be upset by that as a parent. Remember that your presence does have a long-lasting impact on your kids’ well-being. If you keep letting your kids know that you’re interested in communicating with them—and you approach difficult topics from a point of curiosity, not judgment—you can establish yourself as a safe support for your kids when they need it. For example, if you’re concerned about how much time your teen is spending on their phone or the content they’re consuming, it can be a knee-jerk reaction to jump to the worst-case scenario. If you and your child have never spoken about screen time and safety before, your concerns may seem out of the blue or controlling to them. But if you can approach the conversation from a point of reflection and curiosity, you can create a valuable chance to open up lines of communication even further. Model the behavior you want to see Communication isn’t only about words, either. It involves our actions too. I’ve worked with families that have tried their best at verbal communication but still run into issues with getting their kids to put their phones down at dinner. And when they try to reinforce this boundary, the kids become upset because they’re being kept away from their peers and social groups. More often than not, part of the issue is that parents have their own devices out and active during the time period that their kids aren’t supposed to. It’s completely understandable—you’re the adult, you have different demands on your time, and you pay for the phone bill! But one of the best ways to encourage your kids to use their devices less, or differently, is to do so yourself at the same time. Your communication cheat sheet Start early. Have conversations about online safety, app usage, screen time, and appropriate boundaries before your kids have their own phones, game consoles, or social media accounts. This makes the topic easier to broach when you have to bring up a point of concern Be predictable. Research shows that when parents maintain a consistent environment, including keeping a healthy level of safety precautions in place, it benefits kids. It’s when children can’t predict what kind of response they’ll get from their parents—their safety net—that tension and friction can flare up. It's normal for them to test your boundaries, and it's healthy for you to keep those boundaries in place. Keep talking. No matter how many groans or eye rolls you get when trying to communicate with your kids, it’s important that you keep talking. They may not seem like they’re listening, but in the long run, your advice and actions during a child’s adolescence help to shape how they see the world… and their place in it. Take a beat. If your kids come to you with a question or concern about something that is alarming to you as a parent, it can be helpful to take a step back and say something like "Hey, I need to think this through. My first instinct is to take your phone away, but I don’t want to do that. Let’s discuss it more." By showing that you’re regulating your reactions and listening, they can learn to do the same. We’ll talk more about how to have these tricky conversations, and be a good digital role model, in future columns. Until then, keep exploring DigitalParenthood.com for more resources and advice you can use to keep your kids happy and safe—online or off.
