Don’t Panic: Responding to Sexual Curiosity in Your Child
Introduction: Take a Deep Breath As a parent, learning that your child is watching or seeking sexually explicit content is enough to send you into a tailspin. If you are reading this, you are likely in shock. You might feel angry, scared, or like you have failed. Please, take a deep breath. You haven't failed. While we try to prevent exposure, the reality of the digital age is that it is almost inevitable. You are now facing a moment thousands of parents face every day. This doesn't have to be a trauma. If handled with care, this can actually strengthen your relationship. Here are five truths to help you navigate the next 24 hours. 1. Stop. Don't Have the "Big Talk" Yet. Your instinct is likely to panic, lecture, or confiscate devices immediately. Don't. Experts agree that a reactive, high-emotion lecture right now causes more damage than good. It drives kids into defensive silence. Instead, wait until you are calm. The goal of the first conversation isn't to fix everything; it is simply to let them know you know, and that you still love them. Try saying this: "I saw something on your device that worried me. I’m feeling a little overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a minute. We’ll talk later when we’re both calm. You aren't in trouble, but we do need to discuss it." 2. They Likely Didn't Seek It Out It is easy to assume your child went looking for trouble, but algorithms are aggressive. Innocent searches often lead to explicit results. Even if they did search for it, remember that their brain is developing. They are likely feeling confused, embarrassed, or disturbed by what they saw. If you approach them as a detective looking for a crime, they will hide. If you approach them as a guide helping them navigate a chaotic internet, they will listen. 3. Your Reaction Sets the Future Tone You may have heard the advice to "create the culture before the crisis." The crisis is here—but you can still build the culture. How you react now determines if your child ever confides in you again. If you scream or ban technology forever, you teach them that honesty equals pain. They won't stop looking; they will just get better at hiding it. Prioritize connection over punishment to ensure you remain their safe harbor. 4. Teach Media Literacy: Fantasy vs. Reality Use this moment to explain the difference between what they saw and real life. Pornography is "performative"—it rarely shows consent, awkwardness, or real emotional connection. Ask them: "Does what you saw look like how people who care about each other treat one another?" This takes the power away from the shocking images and grounds the conversation in your family's values regarding respect and kindness. 5. Validate Curiosity, Reject Shame Curiosity about bodies is developmentally normal for adolescents. However, shame is toxic. If you say, "How could you watch this filth? You should be ashamed!" you fuse their natural development with feelings of guilt. Instead, validate the curiosity while correcting the source. The distinction: "It is normal to be curious about bodies. That is part of growing up. But the internet is a terrible teacher. Those videos are fake, like superhero movies. I want you to learn the truth, not the scripted version." Conclusion: A Door Has Opened This isn't the end of your child’s innocence; it is the beginning of honest communication. You don't need to be perfect today. You just need to be the steady hand they can rely on. One thing you can do right now: Step away from the device. Make a cup of tea or take a walk. Do not start the conversation until your heart rate has returned to normal. You’ve got this. Additional Reading for Parents: Allison, K., & Dawson, R. M. (2025). Parental mediation of smartphone and social media activities to protect early adolescent children from online risks. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 30(1). https://doi.org/10.1080/02673843.2025.2504530 American Academy of Pediatrics. (2025, October 28). Teens and pornography. https://www.aap.org/en/patient-care/media-and-children/center-of-excellence-on-social-media-and-youth-mental-health/qa-portal/qa-portal-library/qa-portal-library-questions/teens-and-pornography/ Stanić, L. (2024). From restrictions to awareness: Examining the varied relationship between mediation strategies and parental awareness of adolescents online sexual experiences across age groups. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 18(5), Article 9. https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2024-5-9 Author: Lauren A. Lee, PhDThe New "Birds & Bees": A Parent’s Guide to AI Sexual Roleplay
Artificial intelligence has quickly become a household fixture, helping our kids with everything from tricky math problems to creative writing. However, parents may be surprised to learn that young people are turning to AI for far more than just schoolwork. A national survey by Common Sense Media found that 33% of young people have used AI chatbots for social interactions, including enacting romantic fantasies or sexual roleplay. If you’ve received a risk alert or discovered romantic messages on your child’s device, it’s natural to feel alarmed. But by understanding this digital landscape, you can transform a scary moment into a powerful opportunity for connection and growth. Why Kids Are Turning to Chatbots It’s helpful to remember that the onset of puberty is a hallmark period for curiosity. It is developmentally typical for children to wonder about the "ins and outs" of sex and identity. A Judgment-Free Zone: Talking about sex can feel awkward or embarrassing. Engaging with an AI feels "socially safer" than turning to an adult, as the bot won't get uncomfortable or disappointed. Low-Stakes Practice: Some youth feel immense pressure to have relationships "figured out." AI provides a way to explore these topics without the risk of real-world rejection or social fallout. The Risks Every Parent Should Know While these apps may be marketed as "virtual friends," they lack the emotional depth and the fundamental need for consent found in human relationships. Distorted Reality: AI can trick children into thinking real intimacy is transactional, creating unrealistic expectations for future partners. Safety Gaps: Despite tech companies increasing security, no safeguard is perfect. AI can still describe non-consensual scenarios or provide medically inaccurate information. Data Privacy: Everything shared with an AI is saved by the company by default. Your child’s private thoughts and personal details are being used to train "Big Tech" models without true privacy. Grooming & Exploitation: Some platforms include community features where adults may use AI-generated "deepfakes" to build trust and exploit minors. Your Action Plan: Partnership, Not Punishment If you discover your child is engaging in AI roleplay, your goal is to maintain open communication. Reacting with anger often drives this behavior underground; instead, aim for a "partnership" approach. Check Your Emotional Temperature Before starting the conversation, take a deep breath. Remind yourself that curiosity is a normal part of growing up. If you stay calm, your child is more likely to keep coming to you when things get complicated. Join Their Digital World Don’t just confiscate the phone immediately. Sit down together and use a script like: "I’m not mad at you. We all explore things growing up, but my main job is to keep you safe. Let's look at how this bot works together." This signals that you are on the same team. Foster AI Literacy Help your child develop "metacognition"—thinking about how they think. Spark their curiosity with questions like, "I wonder where this conversation is being stored?" or "Do you think a real person would ever say that?" This helps them build the critical thinking skills they need to navigate the digital world. Create a Family Tech Agreement Co-create a "living" document that outlines rules for AI and social media use. This should be a shared responsibility: if you expect your child to stay off certain apps, model that behavior by putting your own phone away during dinner. Final Thoughts Curiosity about attraction and identity is a beautiful, normal part of adolescence. You want your child to feel comfortable turning to you for the answers, not an algorithm. By staying non-judgmental and maintaining a dialogue about the dangers of AI intimacy, you are empowering your child to develop healthy, real-world relationship skills. Authors: Anne Claire Grammer, PhD & Lauren A. Lee, PhD Resources and Further Reading for Parents: Common Sense Media Report on AI Companions: https://www.commonsensemedia.org/research/talk-trust-and-trade-offs-how-and-why-teens-use-ai-companions American Psychological Association Health Advisory on AI Use: https://www.apa.org/topics/artificial-intelligence-machine-learning/health-advisory-ai-adolescent-well-being Children and Screens: https://www.childrenandscreens.org/learn-explore/research/online-sexual-and-explicit-content-a-guide-for-parents/Now What? A Caregiver’s Guide to Navigating Next Steps After a Risk Alert
Receiving a risk alert about your child's risky behaviors can be overwhelming and scary. These initial reactions of fear and confusion are common. It is important to know that you are not alone. Many caregivers feel this way when experiencing uncertainty in these situations, and your concern is a sign of how much you care about your child's wellbeing. How you respond in this moment matters. Your reaction plays an important role in helping your child feel supported and safe. Being prepared ensures that you can get connected with the necessary support for your child’s well-being. The information here should provide you with steps to take if your child is in emotional distress: Understand Your Own Response Before talking to your child, take a moment for yourself. Breathe deeply. Give yourself permission to feel your own emotions without judgment. This is stressful! This isn't to get rid of what you're feeling, but rather to create space to respond with calm and compassion. Being more grounded in the moment, versus reacting from a place of emotion, can help your child feel understood and safe, so that you can help them navigate the issues. Create a Safe Space First, ensure immediate physical safety. If your child is actively exhibiting or threatening harmful behavior and is in immediate danger of harming themselves, stay with them and seek help right away. Call 911 or go to the nearest emergency room. You can also call or text the Suicide Lifeline (call 988) and Crisis Textline (text 741741), which are available 24/7. It’s essential to remove and safely store any dangerous or potentially harmful items in your home if your child is at risk of harming themselves, including firearms, knives, medications, sharp tools, scissors, and flammable devices. After ensuring physical safety, you can talk to your child in a calm and reassuring tone: Example (if they are calm): "I can see that you are in a lot of pain right now, and I am here for you. We will navigate this together, and I know resources we can use to help us." Example (if they are physically in distress– e.g., crying): " I know this is a lot. I can see these emotions are really strong in your body right now. Let's start by taking a few deep breaths together. I am here to support you." If they are not in immediate crisis, choose a quiet place to talk and reassure them that they are not in trouble. They may be more likely to share about challenges if they know you’re not angry with them. Begin the conversation in a quiet space: Ask them some general questions. It can be helpful to frame this as a statement if your child is likely to respond to a question with "yes" or "no". Example: "I noticed some things going on and wanted to check in with you. Even if it's hard to explain, I'm here. Can you tell me what's been happening? How are you feeling?" Example: "I noticed some things and wanted to check in with you. Even if it's hard to explain, I'm here. Tell me more about what's been going on." Asking what they want from you can help encourage more open communication Example: “Do you want me to just listen or help you problem solve?” Listen & Reassure When your child opens up, it is important to listen. Often, we want to jump in and "fix" things. In this moment, validate their feelings and acknowledge that it sounds hard or that you can tell they are in distress. Reassure them that they are not alone and that you appreciate their openness with you. Sometimes, children have a hard time discussing these feelings. It's also okay if your child only shares a word or two. Reinforce and praise that. You can then use the 24/7 hotline above to help facilitate or navigate the situation if they are not telling you additional information. Other ways to provide support and empathy: Example: " I know this can be hard to talk about. I appreciate you sharing this with me, even though it may be stressful. I want to be there for you." Example: "This can be hard to talk about. I can just sit with you right now, and let me know whenever you are ready to talk. I am here to listen." Additional Steps to Support and Help At Home Continue to foster open communication by building trust, so your child feels safe sharing their emotions. Create a safety plan: collaborate to recognize warning signs and outline steps for managing a crisis. You can use this 988 template (https://988lifeline.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/09/Brown_StanleySafetyPlanTemplate1.pdf). Build a support network: help your child identify people whom they trust and feel ok reaching out to during difficult times. Seeking Professional Help If you are concerned for your child’s immediate safety, contact emergency services: Call the Suicide Lifeline at 988 Text the Crisis Textline at 741741 Call 911 Bring your child to the nearest emergency room If your child is not in immediate danger Contacting a mental health professional or a community mental health center can help get your child connected with key services. Contact your child’s pediatrician for additional guidance and well-being advice. This article was developed in partnership with Zachary Bricken, Aura's medical operations intern. Additional Resources More Information from Other Organizations about Steps, Resources, and Information Suicide Lifeline https://988lifeline.org/help-someone-else/ Crisis Textline: Help for Self-Harm https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/ SAMHSA: Suicide Prevention https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health/suicidal-behavior/prevention American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry Suicide Resource Center Child Mind Institute https://childmind.org/topics/suicide-self-harm/How safe is Roblox for kids? – An update to keep you in the know
TL;DR A majority of kids and teens today are using Roblox – an online gaming platform where users can play games, build games, and interact with other users Roblox doesn’t collect identifying information because it was created for kids, but predators can use this anonymity to their advantage The Roblox universe runs on Robux – a currency that can be purchased by adults to entice or bribe kids on the platform Roblox comes with risks, but there are updated safety features you can use, such as restricting direct chat with other users or setting Robux spending limits Read our previous blog about Roblox here What Is Roblox Anyway? Roblox has over 77 million daily active users, 32 million of whom are under age 13 (Bloomberg, 2024). The platform was initially created as a place for kids to be creative and learn how to build their own games online, and now there are millions of games in the universe. Because it was originally made for kids, Roblox collects very little information from users. Many older teens and adults use Roblox now too. Unfortunately, some users leverage anonymity to their advantage posing risks for kids on Roblox. The sheer size of Roblox, number of users, and potential risks may feel overwhelming for parents to navigate, which is why we’re here to help! The good news is, you don't need to be a tech wizard to make Roblox a safer space for your kid or teen. You already have the most important tools – your engagement and curiosity as a parent. This isn't about banning fun or hovering constantly; it's about understanding the environment and using the available tools (both on and off the platform) to guide your child confidently. Think of it as teaching them playground rules, but for the digital age. Decoding Robux: It's Not Monopoly Money If you’re a parent of a kid as young as age 6 and even into their later teen years, chances are you know what Robux are. Many kids and teens ask their parents for Robux for their allowance or as a reward for good behavior. If you’re not familiar, Robux are the virtual currency of the Roblox gaming world. Kids are excited by Robux, or rather what Robux can be used for– Robux can be used to customize avatars by buying clothes and accessories, for in-game experiences like skipping levels or access to VIP games, or even shopping at virtual stores like Walmart and Starbucks. But, Robux isn’t simply “fake money” because it can be purchased and exchanged for real-world money. Free Robux? A Red Flag! Like any other currency, Robux can be stolen or used to gamble and bribe other users. Bloomberg media put out an investigative piece on Roblox where they shared several examples of adults taking advantage of kids on Roblox. Robux were used to entice underage gamers as a grooming tactic in exchange for sexual acts in games, child porn, or inappropriate interactions in real life. Similarly, a report from More Perfect Union interviewing kids who engage in game development on Roblox, revealed instances of financial and child labor exploitation. Curious to know more? You can explore the Bloomberg documentary and the companion article. Updated Roblox Safety Features New Safety Features on Roblox and How You Can Make the Best Use of Them You can now take steps to deploy new safety features. In November 2024, Roblox introduced some new safeguards. Overall, age limits have been put into place for specific content. You, as a parent, can create a Roblox account linked to your child’s, employ monthly spending limits, and use additional safety features to help guide which experiences you are comfortable with your child accessing. How to make the most use of Roblox’s new safety tools Kids are going to use Roblox. Rather than placing harsh limits or banning Roblox altogether, we want to help you keep your child safe, healthy, and happy as they engage online. Here is a quick summary of the new Roblox safety features and how to access them. Limit Chat using Communication Controls: Chats increase the likelihood of your child interacting with strangers or more mature users. Limiting chat features can reduce the chance of risky interactions. You can: Disable experience chat: Select "No one" to set who your child can message with inside experiences. Restrict experience direct chat: Select “No one” to limit who your child can message 1:1 in experiences. Platform Chat, where users can chat with other users outside of experiences, is an exception and cannot be restricted for users over 13 More information on limiting chat features on Roblox can be found here under Communication Controls Keep Robux in check with Spending Controls: You can place monthly spending limits on your child’s account for Robux and other Roblox subscriptions. How to Set Spending Limits - from Roblox Create your own Roblox account and link it to your child’s: Creating your own account allows you to manage your child’s account without needing to login to their account. Linking instructions from Roblox Limits under age 13: Users under 13 now have some limits on Roblox Children under 13 years old can no longer directly message (“Platform Chat”) other users on Roblox outside of games or experiences. This change mitigates some risk of those under 13 interacting with strangers, older teens, or adults who may share inappropriate content on the Roblox platform. Those under age 13 also can’t send direct messages to other users within games, but can send “public broadcasts” within the game. Some experiences are age-gated based on content maturity. Content Maturity Labels: These can help guide your understanding of what content your child may encounter in experiences and games. You can also set maturity controls for your child. Kids under age 9 can only access “Minimal” or “Mild” forms of content Check out the descriptions from Roblox below (https://en.help.roblox.com/hc/en-us/articles/8862768451604-Content-Maturity-Labels) How to set maturity controls - from Roblox Content Maturity Label Description Minimal May contain occasional mild violence, light unrealistic blood, and/or occasional mild fear. Mild May contain repeated mild violence, heavy unrealistic blood, mild crude humor, and/or repeated mild fear. Moderate May contain moderate violence, light realistic blood, moderate crude humor, unplayable gambling content, and/or moderate fear. Restricted May contain strong violence, heavy realistic blood, moderate crude humor, romantic themes, unplayable gambling content, the presence of alcohol, strong language, and/or moderate fear. These experiences are only available to 17+ users who verified their ages by completing ID verification. Use Roblox as an opportunity to connect with your child or teen Be Curious, Not Accusatory: Ask open-ended questions about their Roblox time. "What games did you play today?" "What was the coolest thing you built?" "Did you play with any friends?" "Did anything weird or uncomfortable happen?" Talk About "Stranger Danger" Online: Explain that online "friends" are still strangers. Emphasize never sharing personal information like their real name, school, address, phone number, or passwords. Discuss In-Game Purchases: Help them understand that Robux cost real money. If they use Robux, talk about budgeting and responsible spending. Create a Team Mentality: Frame safety discussions as working together. "Let's figure out how to make Roblox fun and safe for you." Teach Digital Citizenship Skills Although Roblox has made some safety updates, there are still risks with using Roblox, such as cyberbullying and inappropriate content with violent or sexual themes. You can equip your child with the knowledge to handle tricky situations themselves. Blocking and Reporting: Show them how to block users who make them feel uncomfortable and how to report inappropriate behavior or games directly within Roblox. Let them know it's okay – and important – to use these tools. Recognizing Scams: Talk about common scams (like fake "free Robux" offers) and why they shouldn't click suspicious links or give away account information. Taking Breaks: Encourage healthy screen time habits. Set limits for Roblox play, just like you would for screentime generally, TV, or other activities. We want you to feel empowered in your digital parenthood to raise a well-informed digital citizen so that your child is better able to engage in online gaming and interactions more safely with eyes open. This article was created in partnership with Bayley Taple. References https://www.bloomberg.com/features/2024-roblox-pedophile-problem/ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n6PYj93SGxc https://en.help.roblox.com/hc/en-us/categories/200213830-Parents-Safety-and-ModerationHow online life shapes youth brain development before 25
The entry into adulthood is typically marked by turning 18, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the mind is fully mature. The prefrontal cortex of the brain—responsible for our cognitive control, stress response, and executive function—isn’t all grown up until age 25. This means that childhood and adolescence is a critical time for brain development. Its progress can be hindered, though, by a variety of environmental factors like nutrition, drugs, illness, toxins, and yes, online experiences. How life online influences brain development When we encounter various stimuli in our lives, from a cute baby’s smile to the sting of a bee, various receptors in our brain begin to learn when something is pleasurable vs. painful. Over time, we form strong neural pathways that encourage us to seek out more of what feels good versus what hurts us. However, these pleasure/pain reactions aren’t limited to things we can touch. Digital experiences can have the same type of impact on our brains. Each time our kids pick up their phones or open TikTok, they’re presented with bright colors, noisy notifications, and videos that are curated to their tastes—or intentionally designed to make them feel a specific emotion. I’ll do a deep dive into how this works in a future article, but at a top level, this screen time plays a significant role in building and altering neural pathways by delivering a sense of reward or pleasure. These pathways are responsible for things like attention, memory recall, and emotional regulation. It happens to adults, too. Have you ever caught yourself picking up your phone to check for notifications even when you know you didn’t hear a ping or feel a buzz? That’s your brain seeking a hit of dopamine, the chemical that is released when we experience something pleasurable. Does all screen time impact brain development? Of course, there are many good aspects of our kids having access to the internet, including educational resources, easy communication with loved ones, and exposure to other people and cultures. But extended exposure to blue light from screens (even if it’s from schoolwork!) can make it harder for kids to fall and stay asleep. This lack of sleep can negatively impact the health of kids’ brains and bodies—plus make it harder to pay attention in school. Can internet use hurt kids' brains in the long term? We’re still learning what the long-term effects of the internet may be on developing brains. Right now, we are seeing some negative impacts on older kids and teens' decision-making abilities, attention span, and ability to switch between different tasks (aka cognitive flexibility). And even positive online interactions—like talking with friends and family—may not engage our brains in as many healthy ways as face-to-face chats and activities do. Luckily, though, neural pathways aren’t set in stone. We can strengthen and weaken our neural pathways over time by changing our behavior. If you notice that your child is displaying signs of screen addiction or is struggling to balance family, school, and gaming with friends, it’s not too late to make healthy changes. Support your child's healthy brain development The answer isn’t to ban kids from using all digital devices—they’re essential for school and preparing to work and live in a connected world. It’s essential, though, that kids grow up knowing how to balance their online and offline lives. Doing so will help them create the right skill sets (and neural pathways!) to be a healthy adult. Here are a few tips to make that happen: Create a screen time balance and healthy digital media boundaries for the whole family. Be aware of what your kids are consuming online. Conversation is invaluable, but you can also rely on the assistance of apps that clue you in to possible in-game cyberbullying or excessive screen time. Encourage screen time use for educational content instead of social media and games. When screen time requires school-age kids to use their brain in a variety of ways, versus scrolling, it can support positive cognitive growth. Build offline hobbies and experiences that the whole family can enjoy together. Work on being a good digital role model—a little less screen time and scrolling on social media can help everyone’s brain health, no matter their age. My goal here—and in future brain health articles I’ll publish on DigitalParenthood.com—is to help you feel empowered about supporting your kids’ healthy development in an online world. If you’re worried and have questions, though, you can always visit our Ask an Expert section for more advice, or connect with other parents in our discussion forum.Ask Me Anything: TECHWISE study recording
Thank you for joining us and asking such great questions about TECHWISE. I’ve been conducting clinical research for more than 30 years and I am as excited as I have ever been to launch this important study. So much of the research into the effects of tech/social media use on kids’ mental health is limited by access to ground truth data and we are seeking to fill this important gap. We are seeking youth between 8-17 years of age who have a smartphone or tablet to enroll with their parents for a 3 month study where we will assess a range of mental well-being and mental health outcomes while measuring device use through the Aura app. Help us spread the word about this study! We anticipate sharing our data with researchers interested in tackling a wide range of questions we will be able to address. Check out get.aura.com/techwise for more info. Click here to watch the recording.Help uncover how technology impacts youth well-being
As a child psychologist, I’ve spent decades working with families to address the challenges kids face today—especially when it comes to focus, emotional well-being, and healthy screen time habits. These issues have only intensified in our fast-paced, technology-driven world. That’s why I’m excited to invite you to join a groundbreaking study that explores how kids' digital habits are related to their mental health and well-being. This research, sponsored by Aura, will help us get answers to hard questions about how tech use is impacting kids' development and ultimately help us improve the tools we have to help kids and their parents navigate in the digital world. Participants in the study will be asked to use the Aura app and complete questionnaires and surveys. Use of the Aura app as part of the study is free and kids and their parents will be compensated for completing study measures. Take a look at the video below for more information. You can also get info about the study at get.aura.com/techwise By joining the study, you’ll not only contribute to advancing science but also receive practical strategies to help your child thrive emotionally and academically. Together, we can make a difference for families everywhere. Interested? Visit Aura’s website to learn more and sign up. Let’s shape a brighter, healthier future for our children—one step at a time.
Navigating technology to promote resilience and self-esteem
A teenager’s online world can be a safe space to explore who they are, connect with likeminded people, and even find valuable resources for mental well-being. But teens can also encounter online bullies, negative comments, heavily filtered images, and other tricky-to-navigate situations that have a resounding offline impact…including lowering self-esteem. How does technology affect self-esteem? The biggest impacts often come from online conversations and comments, as well as the content your teen consumes. On the one hand, a lot of a teen’s online interactions can be really positive. Chatting on Discord while gaming, sharing style tips on Instagram, and Snapchatting with friends all allow your teen to explore who they are. This plays a part in the development of their self-image—and a healthy self-image developed online can improve offline confidence. Teens may even turn to their online communities for invaluable support. TikTok has its own mental well-being guide, and there are countless mental health resources shared by other users on the platform, too. On the other hand, the internet is a vast place, and it isn’t all positive. Your teen could encounter misinformation (which they are more likely to believe than adults) or heavily filtered, edited images that contribute to a warped sense of self or body image. Our comparison group used to be our immediate community and peers. Now, we can compare what we have, what we look like, and our abilities to unmatchable standards and to people with extraordinarily different means. Some studies have shown that exposure to edited images—and easy access to tools that enable physical tweaks on selfies—may lead to teens feeling less satisfied with their appearance. What about cyberbullying? Cyberbullying is a genuine concern, too. Think about how overwhelming your own phone can be with pings and dings from your friends, family, and work. Now imagine that you know a portion of those notifications are going to be critiquing you. It’d be hard not to start feeling bad about yourself. Online bullying can occur on a large, even public, scale. It’s a far cry from dealing with schoolyard bullies, and teens today may find that mean comments, images, or threats from total strangers are wearing down their self-esteem. Extracurriculars can help teens build good self-esteem Balancing online and offline time is of course important, but what your teen does in that time can make a big difference. Extracurriculars are a great way for teens to explore more of their interests and take healthy risks like trying a new sport or auditioning for the school play. Whether your teen enjoys football, music, painting, or something else, offline clubs support their identity exploration and give them a chance to develop new skills. Extracurriculars don’t need to mean joining a team or club, or spending lots of money. Your teen can even merge offline extracurriculars and hobbies with online life, too—like attending a video game meetup at the local library or exploring forms of digital art through YouTube tutorials. Other ways parents can support teens’ self-esteem As always, communication is key. This includes both letting your teen know you’re here for them if they’re feeling low and having open dialogue about internet and device use boundaries. Teens are collaborative and creative on the boundary topic if you ask them during calm moments. By agreeing on these guidelines together (including when they’ll get more, or less, access) you can help to protect your kids online and reduce arguments down the line. You can also: Keep social networks small and private. Limiting your teens’ online circles to real world friends and family won’t stop all bullying, but it can reduce it. Explore ways to learn and be creative with technology. From online classes to “painting” with digital apps like Procreate, there are many ways to turn screen time into an engaging experience. Make sure your teen knows how to find reliable mental health resources. These could range from online forums to apps that connect you with licensed therapists. Social media is a common spot to find mental health resources now, but it’s important to learn how to evaluate if the source is reliable. Discuss digital literacy and how to identify misinformation. Common Sense Media’s guide on teaching kids about misinformation is a helpful place to start—they even link to games that you can play with kids to help them learn. Create time for online activities together. You’ll have to follow your teen’s lead on this one, as not all teenagers want to bring their parents into their online worlds. That’s okay, as long as you’re confident they’re staying safe online. But if they’re open to your involvement, you could explore new games, videos, and communities together. Finally, it’s important to keep an eye out for signs of worsening self-esteem. If you notice your teen is more distressed after using their device, eating habits change or you see an increase in negative self-talk, talk with them to learn about what’s going on and consider seeking help from a therapist. To learn more about tech addiction—and its impact on developing minds—visit our resource center or Ask an Expert here on DigitalParenthood.com.Is all risk-taking bad in adolescence?
As a mom, I know how strong the urge to protect our children from risk and harm is. But as a clinical psychologist, I also know that some level of risk-taking behavior is important for young people to grow up into responsible, ready-for-anything young adults. What I’m saying is that risk-taking can actually be really positive. Think about when your child was learning to walk—they explored their boundaries: how far they can go, with what level of support, inevitably stumbling and falling along the way. With your guidance and practice, each time getting a little stronger and more balanced. You knew those small falls were part of the process to help them eventually run. Now imagine if you never let them take that risk to walk alone and maybe miscalculate their ability along the way. The same is true in adolescence—taking some safe risks now builds the decision-making and resilience they'll need to navigate bigger challenges later. Without those early stumbles, they'd struggle to find their footing when it really matters. Because teens' risk-taking is typically fueled by the desire for new experiences, it's part of healthy development. Risk is essential for learning to navigate challenges—and without it, teens miss out. Allowing them to explore through risk, and make mistakes, is key to safe growth. Risk supports the developing prefrontal cortex in teenage brains, and it strengthens new skills along with cognitive control, self-regulation, impulse control and decision-making. Healthy vs. unhealthy teenage risk Let’s talk about what makes a risk “healthy” or not. Healthy risky behavior might result in a feeling of embarrassment or frustration, but the teen stands to gain greater benefit than loss for taking the risk. These risks are considered “adaptive” or socially-acceptable. This is the kind of risk that comes with having new experiences and going outside of one’s comfort zone, like trying out for a new sports team, signing up for a challenging class, or approaching a new social group at school. This can also include the risks associated with defending a peer from a bully. We can even argue that disobeying mom and dad sometimes falls under the umbrella of “healthy risk,” frustrating as it may be. Unhealthy risky behavior for any age group can have serious physical, mental, or real-world legal harm. These risks may include things like substance abuse, unprotected sex, or driving recklessly. It’s still normal for teens to take some unhealthy risks as part of experimentation and peer influence—and to experience the consequences. But if unhealthy risks become habitual and are the norm, then they may suffer long-lasting effects like social isolation, legal trouble, poor grades, or challenges getting into schools or jobs of choice. In other words, trying alcohol is not the same as driving drunk. Pay attention to what it is, how much, the frequency, the setting, and the outcomes. Observing changes in behavior, like increased secrecy, withdrawal from family, or sudden shifts in social circles, can also be warning signs of unhealthy risk-taking. Is risk-taking more dangerous in a digitally connected world? There are certainly positive forms of risk-taking that happen online, including connecting with new social groups and exploring different facets of personal identity. But smartphone data and social media apps can mean there’s a traceable, long-lasting record of teens’ triumphs, mistakes, and risks, far more so than twenty years ago. Teens’ brains are wired to explore their social environment and also weigh risk and rewards differently than adults. That means it’ss up to us as parents to help them develop digital literacy and keep warnings about digital longevity front and center in kids’ minds so they can safely explore online. How to monitor and discuss adolescent risk-taking behavior Regular conversations and keeping an eye out for changes in behavior can go a long way. To recap: Check-in with your kids about how things are going in their world. Talk about how to say no to unhealthy risks, and how to be careful online. Keep an eye out for changes in behavior that can signal an unhealthy risk pattern or other emotional distress. Create a safe environment for your kids to come to you with concerns or fears about risk and consequences. Make your teen an active part of discussions and decision-making around safety. Coming up with age-appropriate boundaries and approaching the process from a place of support, not control is important. The last thing I want to remind you of is to take some time to check in with yourself regularly and assess how you’re feeling. If you find that your own anxiety levels continue to spike as your teens grow and explore the world, there’s help available. Professional therapists and parental support groups can be a lifeline when you're struggling with increasing or overwhelming anxiety. When you’re able to manage your own emotions, you’ll be better prepared to help your teens navigate their changing worlds.Beyond the Screen: Understanding the Emotional Toll of Your Child’s Online World
If you ever watch your kids starting another game of Fortnite or doing TikTok dances and feel a sense of worry in your gut, you aren’t alone. Parental concern for the effects of new technology on their kids isn’t new. Our grandparents fretted about our parents ruining their eyes in front of the TV. Today, parents like you and I find ourselves worrying about whether our kids’ tech use is negatively affecting their mental and emotional well-being. How does technology impact kids’ mental health? While there isn't a definitive causal link between ongoing or extended technology use having a negative effect on kids’ mental health, there are lots of studies that showcase reasons to be concerned about possible negative effects. Let me preface the conversation with this: simply spending time on Instagram or playing a video game with friends isn’t going to harm your kids’ mental well-being immediately. But, heavy, continued tech and internet use might have detrimental effects. First off, screen time in itself can impact kids' sleep and mental focus—even if a portion of that time is for school. Researchers recently surveyed a group of teenagers who reported using screens for at least six hours a day. More than half of the teens reported poor sleep, and many struggled with daytime sleepiness, fatigue, and trouble concentrating. This doesn't surprise me. It's known that blue light emitted by digital screens can impact how well we sleep, especially if we use those devices close to bedtime. And the content that our kids consume online can also be keeping them up at night or creating distractions during the day. The Cyberbullying Research Institute reports that 55% of students between the ages of 13 and 17 experience cyberbullying at some point. This can range from hurtful comments on social media to exclusion from group chats and being publicly embarrassed online. And even if your kids aren't being actively cyberbullied, they may still be feeling an emotional toll from the content they see in their online worlds. In 2023, the University of Utah reported that young adults who use social media are three times more likely to experience depression than those who don’t log on. The suicide rate has increased among 15- to 24-year-olds, too. We don't yet know what the long-term impacts of all-day tech use and cyberbullying will be, just as we're still figuring out what the lasting effects of COVID-19 may be. The landscape of our online and offline worlds has changed dramatically since 2020, and internet use has increased considerably—by as much as 100% right after the pandemic started. And yes, there are some benefits to the way we use tech today, including creating new ways for our kids to explore their identities and independence. But as parents, it's important that we keep an eye out for signals that our child is experiencing stress, online ostracization, or simply not sleeping well—whether the cause is blue light exposure or cyberbullying. Assessing the impact of technology on your child The mental and emotional impact that tech has on your own child can vary wildly, but these are all signals that something may be amiss: Loss of interest in offline activities Increased irritability Withdrawal from family and friends when offline Unexpected mood swings Trouble sleeping Lethargy and fatigue during the day New difficulty focusing on one task at a time Again, every child is different—there may be other, non tech-related reasons for your kids' trouble focusing or poor sleep. And it's normal for teens to go through mood and energy swings as they age. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is look for changes in your child's baseline. Nobody knows your kids better than you do. If you notice any marked change in your child's mood, behavior, or interests, it's a signal for you to dig deeper. What to do if technology is negatively affecting your child If you suspect that recent changes in your child's behavior are the result of their tech use, it may be time to make some changes. Talking to your kids about their online experiences is the best way to figure out what's going on, but I know many parents that find it tricky to bring up the topic in a way that encourages their kids to open up. When this comes up in my practice, I recommend that parents: Check out the American Academy of Pediatrics Center of Excellence on Social Media and Youth Mental Health for a library of conversation starters. Whether your kids are in elementary school or thinking about college, there are simple ways to start discussing what they're experiencing online and how it's making them feel. Dig into guides on social media and cyberbullying to better understand if your child is spending too much time online or being targeted in harmful ways. Learn about the parental controls available on your kids’ devices and favorite social media apps. Knowing how to block inappropriate content and prevent cyberbullying can help everyone feel better. Get help from other parents and professionals (including myself!) on the DigitalParenthood.com discussion forum and Ask an Expert page. And finally, remember that autonomy is an important part of the teenage years. As your kids age, it’s important to keep the focus on education and creating healthy habits together—not complete control over their online activities. By starting regular conversations about tech use before there's a problem, you can create a safe space for your kids to talk about what might be inspiring, scaring, or stressing them out online. You don’t have to navigate figuring out this balance all by yourself, either. I’ll be posting regularly on DigitalParenthood.com to talk about what’s on my mind (and probably yours, too) and discuss ways that we can all work to keep our kids safer online together.
