How online life shapes youth brain development before 25
The entry into adulthood is typically marked by turning 18, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the mind is fully mature. The prefrontal cortex of the brain—responsible for our cognitive control, stress response, and executive function—isn’t all grown up until age 25. This means that childhood and adolescence is a critical time for brain development. Its progress can be hindered, though, by a variety of environmental factors like nutrition, drugs, illness, toxins, and yes, online experiences. How life online influences brain development When we encounter various stimuli in our lives, from a cute baby’s smile to the sting of a bee, various receptors in our brain begin to learn when something is pleasurable vs. painful. Over time, we form strong neural pathways that encourage us to seek out more of what feels good versus what hurts us. However, these pleasure/pain reactions aren’t limited to things we can touch. Digital experiences can have the same type of impact on our brains. Each time our kids pick up their phones or open TikTok, they’re presented with bright colors, noisy notifications, and videos that are curated to their tastes—or intentionally designed to make them feel a specific emotion. I’ll do a deep dive into how this works in a future article, but at a top level, this screen time plays a significant role in building and altering neural pathways by delivering a sense of reward or pleasure. These pathways are responsible for things like attention, memory recall, and emotional regulation. It happens to adults, too. Have you ever caught yourself picking up your phone to check for notifications even when you know you didn’t hear a ping or feel a buzz? That’s your brain seeking a hit of dopamine, the chemical that is released when we experience something pleasurable. Does all screen time impact brain development? Of course, there are many good aspects of our kids having access to the internet, including educational resources, easy communication with loved ones, and exposure to other people and cultures. But extended exposure to blue light from screens (even if it’s from schoolwork!) can make it harder for kids to fall and stay asleep. This lack of sleep can negatively impact the health of kids’ brains and bodies—plus make it harder to pay attention in school. Can internet use hurt kids' brains in the long term? We’re still learning what the long-term effects of the internet may be on developing brains. Right now, we are seeing some negative impacts on older kids and teens' decision-making abilities, attention span, and ability to switch between different tasks (aka cognitive flexibility). And even positive online interactions—like talking with friends and family—may not engage our brains in as many healthy ways as face-to-face chats and activities do. Luckily, though, neural pathways aren’t set in stone. We can strengthen and weaken our neural pathways over time by changing our behavior. If you notice that your child is displaying signs of screen addiction or is struggling to balance family, school, and gaming with friends, it’s not too late to make healthy changes. Support your child's healthy brain development The answer isn’t to ban kids from using all digital devices—they’re essential for school and preparing to work and live in a connected world. It’s essential, though, that kids grow up knowing how to balance their online and offline lives. Doing so will help them create the right skill sets (and neural pathways!) to be a healthy adult. Here are a few tips to make that happen: Create a screen time balance and healthy digital media boundaries for the whole family. Be aware of what your kids are consuming online. Conversation is invaluable, but you can also rely on the assistance of apps that clue you in to possible in-game cyberbullying or excessive screen time. Encourage screen time use for educational content instead of social media and games. When screen time requires school-age kids to use their brain in a variety of ways, versus scrolling, it can support positive cognitive growth. Build offline hobbies and experiences that the whole family can enjoy together. Work on being a good digital role model—a little less screen time and scrolling on social media can help everyone’s brain health, no matter their age. My goal here—and in future brain health articles I’ll publish on DigitalParenthood.com—is to help you feel empowered about supporting your kids’ healthy development in an online world. If you’re worried and have questions, though, you can always visit our Ask an Expert section for more advice, or connect with other parents in our discussion forum.21Views0likes0CommentsAsk Me Anything: TECHWISE study recording
Thank you for joining us and asking such great questions about TECHWISE. I’ve been conducting clinical research for more than 30 years and I am as excited as I have ever been to launch this important study. So much of the research into the effects of tech/social media use on kids’ mental health is limited by access to ground truth data and we are seeking to fill this important gap. We are seeking youth between 8-17 years of age who have a smartphone or tablet to enroll with their parents for a 3 month study where we will assess a range of mental well-being and mental health outcomes while measuring device use through the Aura app. Help us spread the word about this study! We anticipate sharing our data with researchers interested in tackling a wide range of questions we will be able to address. Check out get.aura.com/techwise for more info. Click here to watch the recording.49Views0likes0CommentsHelp uncover how technology impacts youth well-being
As a child psychologist, I’ve spent decades working with families to address the challenges kids face today—especially when it comes to focus, emotional well-being, and healthy screen time habits. These issues have only intensified in our fast-paced, technology-driven world. That’s why I’m excited to invite you to join a groundbreaking study that explores how kids' digital habits are related to their mental health and well-being. This research, sponsored by Aura, will help us get answers to hard questions about how tech use is impacting kids' development and ultimately help us improve the tools we have to help kids and their parents navigate in the digital world. Participants in the study will be asked to use the Aura app and complete questionnaires and surveys. Use of the Aura app as part of the study is free and kids and their parents will be compensated for completing study measures. Take a look at the video below for more information. You can also get info about the study at get.aura.com/techwise By joining the study, you’ll not only contribute to advancing science but also receive practical strategies to help your child thrive emotionally and academically. Together, we can make a difference for families everywhere. Interested? Visit Aura’s website to learn more and sign up. Let’s shape a brighter, healthier future for our children—one step at a time.22Views0likes0CommentsNavigating technology to promote resilience and self-esteem
A teenager’s online world can be a safe space to explore who they are, connect with likeminded people, and even find valuable resources for mental well-being. But teens can also encounter online bullies, negative comments, heavily filtered images, and other tricky-to-navigate situations that have a resounding offline impact…including lowering self-esteem. How does technology affect self-esteem? The biggest impacts often come from online conversations and comments, as well as the content your teen consumes. On the one hand, a lot of a teen’s online interactions can be really positive. Chatting on Discord while gaming, sharing style tips on Instagram, and Snapchatting with friends all allow your teen to explore who they are. This plays a part in the development of their self-image—and a healthy self-image developed online can improve offline confidence. Teens may even turn to their online communities for invaluable support. TikTok has its own mental well-being guide, and there are countless mental health resources shared by other users on the platform, too. On the other hand, the internet is a vast place, and it isn’t all positive. Your teen could encounter misinformation (which they are more likely to believe than adults) or heavily filtered, edited images that contribute to a warped sense of self or body image. Our comparison group used to be our immediate community and peers. Now, we can compare what we have, what we look like, and our abilities to unmatchable standards and to people with extraordinarily different means. Some studies have shown that exposure to edited images—and easy access to tools that enable physical tweaks on selfies—may lead to teens feeling less satisfied with their appearance. What about cyberbullying? Cyberbullying is a genuine concern, too. Think about how overwhelming your own phone can be with pings and dings from your friends, family, and work. Now imagine that you know a portion of those notifications are going to be critiquing you. It’d be hard not to start feeling bad about yourself. Online bullying can occur on a large, even public, scale. It’s a far cry from dealing with schoolyard bullies, and teens today may find that mean comments, images, or threats from total strangers are wearing down their self-esteem. Extracurriculars can help teens build good self-esteem Balancing online and offline time is of course important, but what your teen does in that time can make a big difference. Extracurriculars are a great way for teens to explore more of their interests and take healthy risks like trying a new sport or auditioning for the school play. Whether your teen enjoys football, music, painting, or something else, offline clubs support their identity exploration and give them a chance to develop new skills. Extracurriculars don’t need to mean joining a team or club, or spending lots of money. Your teen can even merge offline extracurriculars and hobbies with online life, too—like attending a video game meetup at the local library or exploring forms of digital art through YouTube tutorials. Other ways parents can support teens’ self-esteem As always, communication is key. This includes both letting your teen know you’re here for them if they’re feeling low and having open dialogue about internet and device use boundaries. Teens are collaborative and creative on the boundary topic if you ask them during calm moments. By agreeing on these guidelines together (including when they’ll get more, or less, access) you can help to protect your kids online and reduce arguments down the line. You can also: Keep social networks small and private. Limiting your teens’ online circles to real world friends and family won’t stop all bullying, but it can reduce it. Explore ways to learn and be creative with technology. From online classes to “painting” with digital apps like Procreate, there are many ways to turn screen time into an engaging experience. Make sure your teen knows how to find reliable mental health resources. These could range from online forums to apps that connect you with licensed therapists. Social media is a common spot to find mental health resources now, but it’s important to learn how to evaluate if the source is reliable. Discuss digital literacy and how to identify misinformation. Common Sense Media’s guide on teaching kids about misinformation is a helpful place to start—they even link to games that you can play with kids to help them learn. Create time for online activities together. You’ll have to follow your teen’s lead on this one, as not all teenagers want to bring their parents into their online worlds. That’s okay, as long as you’re confident they’re staying safe online. But if they’re open to your involvement, you could explore new games, videos, and communities together. Finally, it’s important to keep an eye out for signs of worsening self-esteem. If you notice your teen is more distressed after using their device, eating habits change or you see an increase in negative self-talk, talk with them to learn about what’s going on and consider seeking help from a therapist. To learn more about tech addiction—and its impact on developing minds—visit our resource center or Ask an Expert here on DigitalParenthood.com.37Views0likes0CommentsIs all risk-taking bad in adolescence?
As a mom, I know how strong the urge to protect our children from risk and harm is. But as a clinical psychologist, I also know that some level of risk-taking behavior is important for young people to grow up into responsible, ready-for-anything young adults. What I’m saying is that risk-taking can actually be really positive. Think about when your child was learning to walk—they explored their boundaries: how far they can go, with what level of support, inevitably stumbling and falling along the way. With your guidance and practice, each time getting a little stronger and more balanced. You knew those small falls were part of the process to help them eventually run. Now imagine if you never let them take that risk to walk alone and maybe miscalculate their ability along the way. The same is true in adolescence—taking some safe risks now builds the decision-making and resilience they'll need to navigate bigger challenges later. Without those early stumbles, they'd struggle to find their footing when it really matters. Because teens' risk-taking is typically fueled by the desire for new experiences, it's part of healthy development. Risk is essential for learning to navigate challenges—and without it, teens miss out. Allowing them to explore through risk, and make mistakes, is key to safe growth. Risk supports the developing prefrontal cortex in teenage brains, and it strengthens new skills along with cognitive control, self-regulation, impulse control and decision-making. Healthy vs. unhealthy teenage risk Let’s talk about what makes a risk “healthy” or not. Healthy risky behavior might result in a feeling of embarrassment or frustration, but the teen stands to gain greater benefit than loss for taking the risk. These risks are considered “adaptive” or socially-acceptable. This is the kind of risk that comes with having new experiences and going outside of one’s comfort zone, like trying out for a new sports team, signing up for a challenging class, or approaching a new social group at school. This can also include the risks associated with defending a peer from a bully. We can even argue that disobeying mom and dad sometimes falls under the umbrella of “healthy risk,” frustrating as it may be. Unhealthy risky behavior for any age group can have serious physical, mental, or real-world legal harm. These risks may include things like substance abuse, unprotected sex, or driving recklessly. It’s still normal for teens to take some unhealthy risks as part of experimentation and peer influence—and to experience the consequences. But if unhealthy risks become habitual and are the norm, then they may suffer long-lasting effects like social isolation, legal trouble, poor grades, or challenges getting into schools or jobs of choice. In other words, trying alcohol is not the same as driving drunk. Pay attention to what it is, how much, the frequency, the setting, and the outcomes. Observing changes in behavior, like increased secrecy, withdrawal from family, or sudden shifts in social circles, can also be warning signs of unhealthy risk-taking. Is risk-taking more dangerous in a digitally connected world? There are certainly positive forms of risk-taking that happen online, including connecting with new social groups and exploring different facets of personal identity. But smartphone data and social media apps can mean there’s a traceable, long-lasting record of teens’ triumphs, mistakes, and risks, far more so than twenty years ago. Teens’ brains are wired to explore their social environment and also weigh risk and rewards differently than adults. That means it’ss up to us as parents to help them develop digital literacy and keep warnings about digital longevity front and center in kids’ minds so they can safely explore online. How to monitor and discuss adolescent risk-taking behavior Regular conversations and keeping an eye out for changes in behavior can go a long way. To recap: Check-in with your kids about how things are going in their world. Talk about how to say no to unhealthy risks, and how to be careful online. Keep an eye out for changes in behavior that can signal an unhealthy risk pattern or other emotional distress. Create a safe environment for your kids to come to you with concerns or fears about risk and consequences. Make your teen an active part of discussions and decision-making around safety. Coming up with age-appropriate boundaries and approaching the process from a place of support, not control is important. The last thing I want to remind you of is to take some time to check in with yourself regularly and assess how you’re feeling. If you find that your own anxiety levels continue to spike as your teens grow and explore the world, there’s help available. Professional therapists and parental support groups can be a lifeline when you're struggling with increasing or overwhelming anxiety. When you’re able to manage your own emotions, you’ll be better prepared to help your teens navigate their changing worlds.41Views0likes0CommentsBeyond the Screen: Understanding the Emotional Toll of Your Child’s Online World
If you ever watch your kids starting another game of Fortnite or doing TikTok dances and feel a sense of worry in your gut, you aren’t alone. Parental concern for the effects of new technology on their kids isn’t new. Our grandparents fretted about our parents ruining their eyes in front of the TV. Today, parents like you and I find ourselves worrying about whether our kids’ tech use is negatively affecting their mental and emotional well-being. How does technology impact kids’ mental health? While there isn't a definitive causal link between ongoing or extended technology use having a negative effect on kids’ mental health, there are lots of studies that showcase reasons to be concerned about possible negative effects. Let me preface the conversation with this: simply spending time on Instagram or playing a video game with friends isn’t going to harm your kids’ mental well-being immediately. But, heavy, continued tech and internet use might have detrimental effects. First off, screen time in itself can impact kids' sleep and mental focus—even if a portion of that time is for school. Researchers recently surveyed a group of teenagers who reported using screens for at least six hours a day. More than half of the teens reported poor sleep, and many struggled with daytime sleepiness, fatigue, and trouble concentrating. This doesn't surprise me. It's known that blue light emitted by digital screens can impact how well we sleep, especially if we use those devices close to bedtime. And the content that our kids consume online can also be keeping them up at night or creating distractions during the day. The Cyberbullying Research Institute reports that 55% of students between the ages of 13 and 17 experience cyberbullying at some point. This can range from hurtful comments on social media to exclusion from group chats and being publicly embarrassed online. And even if your kids aren't being actively cyberbullied, they may still be feeling an emotional toll from the content they see in their online worlds. In 2023, the University of Utah reported that young adults who use social media are three times more likely to experience depression than those who don’t log on. The suicide rate has increased among 15- to 24-year-olds, too. We don't yet know what the long-term impacts of all-day tech use and cyberbullying will be, just as we're still figuring out what the lasting effects of COVID-19 may be. The landscape of our online and offline worlds has changed dramatically since 2020, and internet use has increased considerably—by as much as 100% right after the pandemic started. And yes, there are some benefits to the way we use tech today, including creating new ways for our kids to explore their identities and independence. But as parents, it's important that we keep an eye out for signals that our child is experiencing stress, online ostracization, or simply not sleeping well—whether the cause is blue light exposure or cyberbullying. Assessing the impact of technology on your child The mental and emotional impact that tech has on your own child can vary wildly, but these are all signals that something may be amiss: Loss of interest in offline activities Increased irritability Withdrawal from family and friends when offline Unexpected mood swings Trouble sleeping Lethargy and fatigue during the day New difficulty focusing on one task at a time Again, every child is different—there may be other, non tech-related reasons for your kids' trouble focusing or poor sleep. And it's normal for teens to go through mood and energy swings as they age. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is look for changes in your child's baseline. Nobody knows your kids better than you do. If you notice any marked change in your child's mood, behavior, or interests, it's a signal for you to dig deeper. What to do if technology is negatively affecting your child If you suspect that recent changes in your child's behavior are the result of their tech use, it may be time to make some changes. Talking to your kids about their online experiences is the best way to figure out what's going on, but I know many parents that find it tricky to bring up the topic in a way that encourages their kids to open up. When this comes up in my practice, I recommend that parents: Check out the American Academy of Pediatrics Center of Excellence on Social Media and Youth Mental Health for a library of conversation starters. Whether your kids are in elementary school or thinking about college, there are simple ways to start discussing what they're experiencing online and how it's making them feel. Dig into guides on social media and cyberbullying to better understand if your child is spending too much time online or being targeted in harmful ways. Learn about the parental controls available on your kids’ devices and favorite social media apps. Knowing how to block inappropriate content and prevent cyberbullying can help everyone feel better. Get help from other parents and professionals (including myself!) on the DigitalParenthood.com discussion forum and Ask an Expert page. And finally, remember that autonomy is an important part of the teenage years. As your kids age, it’s important to keep the focus on education and creating healthy habits together—not complete control over their online activities. By starting regular conversations about tech use before there's a problem, you can create a safe space for your kids to talk about what might be inspiring, scaring, or stressing them out online. You don’t have to navigate figuring out this balance all by yourself, either. I’ll be posting regularly on DigitalParenthood.com to talk about what’s on my mind (and probably yours, too) and discuss ways that we can all work to keep our kids safer online together.21Views0likes0CommentsWhat’s Keeping Me Up: Sextortion
The Scoop: Sextortion is a disturbing phenomenon that has escalated in the digital age, impacting countless young lives. It involves coercing individuals, often children, into providing explicit images or engaging in other sexual activities online, and then threatening exposure. Predators prey on the vulnerabilities of young people, using their fears and insecurities to manipulate them into compliance. According to the FBI, reports of financially motivated sextortion involving minors increased at least 20% from October 2022 to March 2023. The Big Picture: It’s not always a creepy online stranger upfront—often, these predators pose as friendly peers who just want to chat. As both a clinician and a father, the growing prevalence of this form of exploitation deeply troubles me. The science behind sextortion reveals a complex interplay of psychological manipulation and digital threats. Studies show that victims often experience severe emotional and psychological distress, which can have lasting effects on their mental health. Unfortunately, there are no foolproof ways to completely avoid becoming a target. Even if a teen refuses to send explicit images, predators can steal photos from social media and create fake explicit content with new technologies, like deepfakes, to use as leverage. My Advice: Have open and frequent conversations with your children about online safety from the moment they start using the internet. This should include age-appropriate discussions about sextortion. It's important to approach these talks without shame or judgment, focusing instead on educating your child about the risks of online interactions and image-sharing. ‘The Talk’ once centered around physical health, consent and relationships. Today, it also encompasses issues related to digital interactions, like sexting, online privacy, and the risks of exploitation and manipulation. Don’t wait to have it. If you or someone you know is being sexually exploited online, report it to the CyberTipline operated by the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, or contact them directly at contactgethelp@ncmec.org or 1-800-THE-LOST. For international assistance, use the InHope hotline directory to find your local hotline.146Views6likes2CommentsMental Health Day Report: Understanding the Emotional Toll of Your Child’s Online World
If you ever watch your kids starting another game of Fortnite or doing TikTok dances and feel a sense of worry in your gut, you aren’t alone. Parental concern for the effects of new technology on their kids isn’t new. Our grandparents fretted about our parents ruining their eyes in front of the TV. Today, parents like you and I find ourselves worrying about whether our kids’ tech use is negatively affecting their mental and emotional well-being. How does technology impact kids’ mental health? While there isn't a definitive causal link between ongoing or extended technology use having a negative effect on kids’ mental health, there are lots of studies that showcase reasons to be concerned about possible negative effects. Let me preface the conversation with this: simply spending time on Instagram or playing a video game with friends isn’t going to harm your kids’ mental well-being immediately. But, heavy, continued tech and internet use might have detrimental effects. First off, screen time in itself can impact kids' sleep and mental focus—even if a portion of that time is for school. Researchers recently surveyed a group of teenagers who reported using screens for at least six hours a day. More than half of the teens reported poor sleep, and many struggled with daytime sleepiness, fatigue, and trouble concentrating. This doesn't surprise me. It's known that blue light emitted by digital screens can impact how well we sleep, especially if we use those devices close to bedtime. And the content that our kids consume online can also be keeping them up at night or creating distractions during the day. The Cyberbullying Research Institute reports that 55% of students between the ages of 13 and 17 experience cyberbullying at some point. This can range from hurtful comments on social media to exclusion from group chats and being publicly embarrassed online. And even if your kids aren't being actively cyberbullied, they may still be feeling an emotional toll from the content they see in their online worlds. In 2023, the University of Utah reported that young adults who use social media are three times more likely to experience depression than those who don’t log on. The suicide rate has increased among 15- to 24-year-olds, too. We don't yet know what the long-term impacts of all-day tech use and cyberbullying will be, just as we're still figuring out what the lasting effects of COVID-19 may be. The landscape of our online and offline worlds has changed dramatically since 2020, and internet use has increased considerably—by as much as 100% right after the pandemic started. And yes, there are some benefits to the way we use tech today, including creating new ways for our kids to explore their identities and independence. But as parents, it's important that we keep an eye out for signals that our child is experiencing stress, online ostracization, or simply not sleeping well—whether the cause is blue light exposure or cyberbullying. Assessing the impact of technology on your child The mental and emotional impact that tech has on your own child can vary wildly, but these are all signals that something may be amiss: Loss of interest in offline activities Increased irritability Withdrawal from family and friends when offline Unexpected mood swings Trouble sleeping Lethargy and fatigue during the day New difficulty focusing on one task at a time Again, every child is different—there may be other, non tech-related reasons for your kids' trouble focusing or poor sleep. And it's normal for teens to go through mood and energy swings as they age. Ultimately, the best thing you can do is look for changes in your child's baseline. Nobody knows your kids better than you do. If you notice any marked change in your child's mood, behavior, or interests, it's a signal for you to dig deeper. What to do if technology is negatively affecting your child If you suspect that recent changes in your child's behavior are the result of their tech use, it may be time to make some changes. Talking to your kids about their online experiences is the best way to figure out what's going on, but I know many parents that find it tricky to bring up the topic in a way that encourages their kids to open up. When this comes up in my practice, I recommend that parents: Check out the American Academy of Pediatrics Center of Excellence on Social Media and Youth Mental Health for a library of conversation starters. Whether your kids are in elementary school or thinking about college, there are simple ways to start discussing what they're experiencing online and how it's making them feel. Dig into guides on social media and cyberbullying to better understand if your child is spending too much time online or being targeted in harmful ways. Learn about the parental controls available on your kids’ devices and favorite social media apps. Knowing how to block inappropriate content and prevent cyberbullying can help everyone feel better. Get help from other parents and professionals (including myself!) here on the DigitalParenthood.com discussion forum and Ask an Expert page. And finally, remember that autonomy is an important part of the teenage years. As your kids age, it’s important to keep the focus on education and creating healthy habits together—not complete control over their online activities. By starting regular conversations about tech use before there's a problem, you can create a safe space for your kids to talk about what might be inspiring, scaring, or stressing them out online. You don’t have to navigate figuring out this balance all by yourself, either. I’ll be posting regularly here to talk about what’s on my mind (and probably yours, too) and discuss ways that we can all work to keep our kids safer online together.88Views2likes0CommentsWhat’s Keeping Me Up: Schools and Screens
The Scoop: In just over a year, more than a dozen states—including Louisiana, Indiana, and Florida—have implemented rules to limit student cell phone use during school hours. Now, California has joined the ranks. Schools in the state have two years to start banning or restricting phone use during the day, all in response to growing concerns about social media’s impact on kids’ mental health. And it’s not just happening in the U.S. Parents around the world are grappling with the same question: “How do we raise the connection generation?” The Big Picture: While some parents and lawmakers view this as a significant win, others argue that in an age of school shootings and emergencies, it’s essential for kids to have their phones on hand. That’s understandable. Some educators also believe that smartphones can play a key role in learning. My Advice: Think of it like hygiene—screen hygiene. Just as teens develop habits or routines for homework and showering through a process of discovery, they need a balance of autonomy and boundaries to learn responsible tech use. Studies show that excessive screen time, especially on social media, can increase anxiety and depression in kids. Research also indicates that completely eliminating screens can lead to feelings of isolation and hinder social development. That’s why it’s crucial to avoid extremes. What works will vary for each child—my own son, for instance, thrives with good old pencil and paper in the classroom. Implementing phone-free zones in schools will absolutely help kids focus on learning and real-life connections. However, it’s imperative that we also allow them to learn when it’s appropriate to use screens. Life’s challenges extend beyond the classroom, and so does technology.22Views0likes0CommentsSupporting healthy development through communication
The middle and high school years are when adolescents start to seek more independence from their parents and increasingly lean on friends for support and identity development. In my research work, though, I’ve found that parents do still play an incredibly pivotal role during this time—even if it feels like your kids want nothing to do with you. Remember that testing boundaries is normal First, remember that it’s normal and healthy for kids to test our boundaries. When your kids switch from taking what you say as gold to pushing back and insisting they and their friends know better, you’re actually witnessing a big developmental milestone take place. As frustrating as it is, this happens because your kids are actively figuring out how they’re different from you, and where they fit within the family and the world. This doesn’t mean you have to let excessive anger or blatant disrespect go unnoticed. But, it’s important to let your kids know that you recognize their autonomy and their desires at the same time you’re putting boundaries in place to keep them safe. Think of this like a rollercoaster: when the safety bar comes down over your head, it’s a normal reaction to push against it and make sure it doesn’t budge. You’re the safety bar for your children; they’re meant to push and see how or if it flexes. Build a foundation of open communication It’s normal for kids to make mistakes as they’re growing up and exploring their identity. Mistakes can be healthy if a child has a trusted adult to turn to for support or answers to questions. But if there isn’t anyone playing that role in a teen’s life, then their mistakes can turn into riskier situations. This is why it’s so important that parents build a foundation of open, safe communication with their kids early on. This can feel like a struggle, especially if you’re getting one-word answers from your teen. It’s understandable and normal to be upset by that as a parent. Remember that your presence does have a long-lasting impact on your kids’ well-being. If you keep letting your kids know that you’re interested in communicating with them—and you approach difficult topics from a point of curiosity, not judgment—you can establish yourself as a safe support for your kids when they need it. For example, if you’re concerned about how much time your teen is spending on their phone or the content they’re consuming, it can be a knee-jerk reaction to jump to the worst-case scenario. If you and your child have never spoken about screen time and safety before, your concerns may seem out of the blue or controlling to them. But if you can approach the conversation from a point of reflection and curiosity, you can create a valuable chance to open up lines of communication even further. Model the behavior you want to see Communication isn’t only about words, either. It involves our actions too. I’ve worked with families that have tried their best at verbal communication but still run into issues with getting their kids to put their phones down at dinner. And when they try to reinforce this boundary, the kids become upset because they’re being kept away from their peers and social groups. More often than not, part of the issue is that parents have their own devices out and active during the time period that their kids aren’t supposed to. It’s completely understandable—you’re the adult, you have different demands on your time, and you pay for the phone bill! But one of the best ways to encourage your kids to use their devices less, or differently, is to do so yourself at the same time. Your communication cheat sheet Start early. Have conversations about online safety, app usage, screen time, and appropriate boundaries before your kids have their own phones, game consoles, or social media accounts. This makes the topic easier to broach when you have to bring up a point of concern Be predictable. Research shows that when parents maintain a consistent environment, including keeping a healthy level of safety precautions in place, it benefits kids. It’s when children can’t predict what kind of response they’ll get from their parents—their safety net—that tension and friction can flare up. It's normal for them to test your boundaries, and it's healthy for you to keep those boundaries in place. Keep talking. No matter how many groans or eye rolls you get when trying to communicate with your kids, it’s important that you keep talking. They may not seem like they’re listening, but in the long run, your advice and actions during a child’s adolescence help to shape how they see the world… and their place in it. Take a beat. If your kids come to you with a question or concern about something that is alarming to you as a parent, it can be helpful to take a step back and say something like "Hey, I need to think this through. My first instinct is to take your phone away, but I don’t want to do that. Let’s discuss it more." By showing that you’re regulating your reactions and listening, they can learn to do the same. We’ll talk more about how to have these tricky conversations, and be a good digital role model, in future columns. Until then, keep exploring DigitalParenthood.com for more resources and advice you can use to keep your kids happy and safe—online or off.25Views0likes0Comments