Navigating teenhood: How developmental jobs shape teen identities
The first time your teenager decides they know better or more than you, it can leave you feeling taken aback. It feels like they were a baby the other day—now they’re convinced you’re wrong about everything.
As surprising and frustrating as this is, it’s healthy behavior. Pushing back on boundaries, exploring new opinions, weighing friends’ opinions over parents, and even taking risks are part of how teenagers tackle key developmental jobs.
What are developmental jobs?
When your children are young, it’s clear that they’re not adults—from their physical size to how they talk, it’s easier to see them and not expect them to think the way you do as their parent.
The distinction between “child” and “adult” can blur as your kids hit their teenage years. Not only are some teens as tall as (or taller than!) adults, but they may also express that they “aren’t a child” anymore. They’re capable of so much more and at times they may sound like an adult. The thing is, adolescence is its own sensitive period of development that is uniquely different from childhood and adulthood. Their brains are primed to respond and weigh information differently than adults. It’s not that they can’t think about the future, it’s that they are biologically primed to weigh those risks differently than adults.
During the teen years, this progress is marked by several “developmental jobs.” Different tasks and challenges shape each job, including:
- Forming an identity. Who are they separate from their parents (or peers) in the world? This can involve exploring different styles of dress, social groups, ways of speaking, music, to their online identity and more.
- Developing autonomy. As teens explore unique identities, they develop a better sense of how to make decisions for themselves. This journey is essential for their ability to navigate life independently as adults.
- Building relationships. Adolescence is also the time of exploring new friendships and even romantic connections. As parents, it’s okay to set some boundaries to keep your kids safe—but know that this type of exploration is an expected part of growing up.
- Setting goals. By high school, many teens are thinking about what the next few years will look like. They’re also setting goals for both the immediate and distant future.
- Regulating emotions. As your teen takes on different roles—child, sibling, student, teammate, employee—they’ll begin practicing ways to balance stress, responsibility, and new emotions. This process isn’t always smooth sailing, but it’s an important part of development.
How do teens tackle these developmental jobs?
In the past—and you can think back to your own teen years here—a lot of this developmental work happened offline. We tested new styles, friend groups, jobs, and attitudes at school or popular gathering places for our peers.
Today, a typical teen’s focus is still the same: they’re prioritizing friends, exploring new hobbies, and trying out new strategies for coping with difficult situations. Only now, they’re doing a lot of this exploration online. As a result, your teen might be trying to create curated profiles they present to the world.
And you may notice that their interests, or the way they present themselves to others, changes rapidly during the teenage years. Even though teens do create plans and goals for their immediate future, long-term planning looks different for a teen and an adult. And it should.
How to support your teen’s healthy development
The trick to supporting your teen’s development is to provide guidance for safe exploration to occur, while not stifling the process of exploration. It’s a tricky line to walk, but these tips can help.
- Understand why they’re prioritizing friends. Remember, adolescence is an important period for social communication and relationship building, which means peers (and their opinions) begin to matter a lot more. This is how teens form an identity that’s separate from their parents and crucial to helping them grow into functioning adults.
- Become familiar with your teens’ favorite apps. Get familiar with your teen's favorite apps. In today's digital age, socializing happens as much online as in person. Just as parents once knew where their kids were physically—like at the mall or movies—it's now essential to know where they are virtually. You might see your teen scrolling on TikTok in their room, but do you really know where they're hanging out online? Whether you read up on their favorite platform or ask them to show you how to set up a profile, understanding their "hangout spots" can ease concerns about cyberbullying and help you set necessary boundaries.
- Build healthy social media habits together. While online exploration is a big part of today’s teenhood, it’s still important to know when it’s time to log off. By making healthy social media habits a family project, you can be a good digital role model for your teen.
- Give advice when your teen requests it. Problem-solving and critical thinking are both skills we want to foster throughout development, but it can be difficult to not provide our opinions too quickly before our kids have a chance to figure it out themselves. In my clinical practice, I recommend that parents approach topics of potential concern with their teen with curiosity first. Try to understand their perspective and when it’s safe, give them room to figure it out themselves. This approach can actually make it more likely that they will come to you with advice sometimes. When they ask, they’re more likely to hear and incorporate your input (as opposed to offering it up when you see them doing or wearing something that you think is a mistake). You’re giving them the space they need to test different techniques and work through emotions.
- Decide where you can grant them more autonomy. As kids grow, we naturally want them to take on more household chores and responsibilities. While it can be rewarding to hand over these tasks, it's often harder to loosen control in other areas, like school or social life. However, this kind of growth outside the home is just as important. Gradually increasing autonomy helps teens develop into independent adults, so it's essential to evaluate where they can take on more decision-making as they get older.
As parents, just when you figure out one stage, a new one begins—especially during adolescence. As your teen discovers who they are, we must continually adapt our support through each phase of their development. But remember, you're not alone.
There are resources and discussions to help right here on DigitalParenthood.com, with more to come each week. Take a look around, and remember—healthy development takes time, regardless of age.