How do I navigate managing my kid’s screen time when they live in a split household, especially when the two houses have different opinions on tech use?

Family values are the guiding principles that help your family make decisions and live your lives as authentically as possible. 

You can establish family values about anything — including the use of technology. And while each household may hold different values, it is helpful to agree that your child’s well-being is the top priority, while maintaining a mutual respect, creating a space for open communication, and setting clear expectations as a family. 

Here’s how to get started: 

• Have the tech talk. Take some time to sit down as a family and discuss what your shared values are as individuals and as a unit. For split households, it can be beneficial to align on these values, but if that is not possible don’t force it. Explain to your child that when they are in your home they must follow your values around tech use. 
• Make space for their feelings. It can be confusing for a child to have different rules at each home, so validate whatever is coming up for them. Make space and time to actively listen and let them know what they are experiencing is completely normal and understandable. 
• Do not put your child in the middle. While you may not agree with your co-parent’s decisions surrounding tech usage, be sure not to bad mouth your child’s parent in front of them. Instead, try to focus on the boundaries that you can put into place within your household. 
• Set SMART goals. Once your family values are established, it’s a lot easier to make a plan and stick to it. Whether this plan is more structured or fluid, having a goal in mind sets a clear intention. That’s where SMART goals come in. SMART is an acronym for the following:some text
  • Specific. Think of direct actions you can take. Instead of saying, “I want to be on my phone less often,” you’d choose a specific goal such as, “I want to put my phone away for two hours each night.”
  • Measurable. When you measure your progress, it’s easier to see how change can happen because you can actually track it and see it happening. “I want to quit scrolling on TikTok so much” is a great goal, but it’s hard to measure because you either do it or you don’t. Saying, “I want to cut down how long I spend on TikTok to 30 minutes a day,” is something you can track and measure over time.
  • Achievable. Your goal should be something that you can actually accomplish. “I want to be tech-free” is admirable, but you’re much more likely to achieve the ability to cut down on daily tech use instead.
  • Relevant. Make sure the goal you set is important to you and that you recognize the need for change. It will help focus your areas of improvement. For instance, maybe your “why” is that you want to be a more present parent at the dinner table.
  • Timely. Putting a specific time frame on your goal helps hold you accountable. Saying, “I’m going to quit being on my phone all of the time!” is great, but if you don’t set a specific date, you could be dragging this out for way longer than you want. Any time frame, even months from now, is helpful.

Establishing SMART goals around tech use with your child allows them to understand the type of relationship they wish to have with technology. This way when they are in an environment with different rules and expectations than your home they can make decisions that align with their values and goals.

Remember that just because you make a plan doesn’t mean there won’t be messier moments, so give your family some grace. Navigating co-parenting and tech use can be overwhelming and if you could use some extra support a mental health coach or therapist can be a great resource. Check out this article on How to have the screen time talk.